I took off school today for probably one of the strangest reasons so I didn’t explain too much. I thought I was doing fairly well with the news of my mother dying. Then yesterday, I received a sympathy card. To say I didn’t handle it well would be a gross understatement. I knew the sender had the best of intentions. I knew sympathy would come so I was choosing to say nothing at work and avoiding church. Some how I felt this innocent card was an intrusion and an assault on the carefully constructed bubble I created. Heavy sigh. Control is an illusion. I can acknowledge that I feel at peace with her passing. I feel no regrets for the choices I made over the past year to limit then finally go no contact. I am not sorry I didn’t see her the last day….yes, I was given warning that her passing was soon. I chose not to go. I don’t regret these decisions. However, I don’t want people expecting me to feel a certain way. I don’t want people to expect me to respond to their need for comfort in the way they expect. I don’t want any one to tell me how I should feel. I watched this happen when my mother-in-law passed away over 15 years ago. Well meaning, kind people say the dumbest things about an individual passing on. I realized today that I am not in the state of mind to be able to socialize with other people civilly. I am staying home and playing on the computer. I’m not sad. “Kind words” assuring me that I will see her again are not welcomed. I don’t want to rain on anyone’s parade but please don’t expect me in talking lovely things about a person that passed that was not lovely to me. I’ll get this worked through. Her passing will be a nine day wonder that Christmas will swallow her up and by New Year I hope that I will be ready and open to new experiences and adventures. I choose to be happy. I do remember a few good times but those times are marked starkly by the times in between. I don’t know how Heavenly Father and Christ work this all out but I figured she’s their problem now.