A week later

I took off school today for probably one of the strangest reasons so I didn’t explain too much.  I thought I was doing fairly well with the news of my mother dying.  Then yesterday, I received a sympathy card.  To say I didn’t handle it well would be a gross understatement.  I knew the sender had the best of intentions.  I knew sympathy would come so I was choosing to say nothing at work and avoiding church.  Some how I felt this innocent card was an intrusion and an assault on the carefully constructed bubble I created.  Heavy sigh.  Control is an illusion.  I can acknowledge that I feel at peace with her passing.  I feel no regrets for the choices I made over the past year to limit then finally go no contact.  I am not sorry I didn’t see her the last day….yes, I was given warning that her passing was soon.  I chose not to go.  I don’t regret these decisions.  However, I don’t want people expecting me to feel a certain way.  I don’t want people to expect me to respond to their need for comfort in the way they expect.  I don’t want any one to tell me how I should feel.  I watched this happen when my mother-in-law passed away over 15 years ago.  Well meaning, kind people say the dumbest things about an individual passing on.  I realized today that I am not in the state of mind to be able to socialize with other people civilly.  I am staying home and playing on the computer.  I’m not sad.  “Kind words” assuring me that I will see her again are not welcomed.  I don’t want to rain on anyone’s parade but please don’t expect me in talking lovely things about a person that passed that was not lovely to me.  I’ll get this worked through.  Her passing will be a nine day wonder that Christmas will swallow her up and by New Year I hope that I will be ready and open to new experiences and adventures.  I choose to be happy.  I do remember a few good times but those times are marked starkly by the times in between.  I don’t know how Heavenly Father and Christ work this all out but I figured she’s their problem now.

One thought on “A week later

  1. Pingback: Solidarity | The Project: Me by Judy

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