Epiphany about Resentment

Resentment is an emotion that puzzled me.  Was it a hiding emotion that hid other emotions?  It was linked to bitterness but some how different?  I felt it, but wasn’t sure how to heal it when I didn’t know the source or whence it came.  Like many epiphanies that I have, it came while I was talking to my sister on our morning walk on Saturday.  I finally understood to me resentment is when I give my power of choice, time, or resources to someone else and they either neglect it or abuse what I gave them.  A safe example, is when I have to go to a mandatory meeting that I could be written up if I don’t go and the new supervisor knows next to nothing about my job or even what I do.  I spent 2 hours of my time listening to him ramble and I felt like screaming, “Do your homework.  Find out what we do before coming to tell us how to do it.”  Yup, I resented him wasting my time.  I was deeply relieved when the meeting ended early and I could go do my job.  Another example happened when I was a teenager.  I plea went out to feed the starving people in Africa.  I skipped my lunches for weeks to donate what I could to that cause.  When the ships arrived in Africa, the government there refused to allow the food into the country.  It was easier to control a starving people.  I was angry and could do nothing about it.  I felt resentment at how their government wasted my sacrifice so people could be fed.  So sometimes resentment is anger with no place to go so it simmers and boils and turns into resentment.  Now when they say “Feed the hungry children in country XXXX, (where ever the advertisement is for)” I remember my experience and follow the money….how much actually gets to the people they are supposed to be helping.  I have seen as low as 10 cents out of every dollar.  The rest goes to ‘operating expenses.’ I resent the misuse of funds and the manipulation of my emotions for them to give them my hard earned dollars.  Now, I do my homework as to where I donate.  In this season of giving, everyone has a cause for you to spend your money and time on.  I suggest for peace of mind and joy of the season, do the homework to find out if they will actually do what they say they are doing.  Or better yet, look around your neighborhood, local schools, or community at large and see where is there a need that I can fulfill with the resources I set aside for sharing.  Remember that you can’t buy or donate your way to healing.  Saying yes to everyone else is saying no to myself.  I sometimes give away too much trying to convince myself I am a good person.  It doesn’t work that way.  I just end up resenting them that I suddenly magically don’t feel better.  Giving from a place of emotional abundance is way different from giving from a place of emotionally neediness expecting something in return.  When I give expecting nothing back, then I feel peace without resentment.  Working this season on giving from a place of emotional abundance.

 

4 thoughts on “Epiphany about Resentment

  1. thank You so much for this. I had a major trigger event on Thursday and repeated on Friday. With the same organisation. I find dealing with bureaucracy’s and not feeling as though so many of their so called security check upon check are ridiculous. That I have to only contact one person by phone, I enter my secure number and password then I have to go through a process of saying who I am (even though I have entered my so called secure number). they want my full name dob address and ask me number again. If anyone had stolen my wallet they would have all this information on hand except my password. Sigh.. this is just to talk to someone about my 3 monthly need to be reviewed to keep receiving my benefit. I find that this unemployment benefit (in Australia) most of the staff have no idea of what living and coping with PTSD (complex in my case) is like. I get frustrated and if I feel I am not being heard it becomes anger loud and it has meant that I have actually been banned from going into the government centre to talk face to face with anyone. For 12 months. I did use the f k word not directed to the person just as it is so f,,king wrong. sort of thing angry and loud. This is what happens when I am not able to utilise my self care or leave. I was called by a employee who according to the letter I received in regard to my ban I am not allowed to speak too. So i kept telling him this and he after several minutes accepted that I was correct. I was upset by this, as I am trying to do everything right. I missed a call later on from my person I am allowed to speak to. In the process of trying to speak to her I have to go through the a fore mentioned rigamarole, and the person on the other end seemed to not hear me, I became frustrated and this in turn led to anger. In the recording prior to being talked with you are advised you can be disconnected if you are threatening or abusive…I was neither just angry as happens to me. I was hung up..(i had been waiting on hold to speak to her for 10mins.) I was devastated and had had enough. Later in the afternoon the woman i am meant to contact rang me. I was so wound up that it became a screaming match with me wishing I had not answered the phone.(if I dont I dont get my benefit) So I am angry frustrated and yes yelling by this point that I can not help this as this is part of my mental illness and part of the reason I am unable to work anymore. She was somewhat patronising and I informed her I had been employed for over 28 years I had two degrees one in mental health nursing. and I would gladly return to my work if I could. I attempted to explain to her that I get triggered and as I can not leave or hang up, yes i was angry and she went to say calm down..I said do not say that it makes it worse for me. she ended up hanging up.. I am totally drained, and exhausted sleep for 14 hours overnight, I am up and the phone rings it is her again.. I am not ok to deal with this and I attempt to say I dont wont to talk with you I am unable to ..but she keeps on going.. she denies she hung up on me WTF so it did not go well and to save myself I ended up turning the phone off. So after this long sharing, I am so full of resentment towards this bureaucracy and so many of those who have no understanding( I have talked to the odd person who is wonderful) just knowing I will have to contact them again or them me. That I look like I am going to need someone to assist me to deal with them makes me even more resentful. (I like being able to name that feeling) I have gone from running units and facilities with 120 people in them and staff. To not being able to deal with this. I resent that so many people have absolutely no comprehension of the complexity of having mental health illnesses.

    • I am so sorry this is happening to you. I can understand your frustration. Something we have here in the United States are disability advocates, people that go to these type of appointments with you. Do you have an advocate, therapist or friend that can help you with these phone calls and appointments? Cheering for you.

  2. The true meaning of giving is ”Is to give without wanting in return.” That’s the true gift of giving!! KEEP GOING!! your in the light my friend. Much love and blessings. -Frosty Crow

    Great read!! keep up the good work!! ❤

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