Research

I first started doing my own research years ago…I do mean years ago.  Shortly after I was married, my husband challenged me as to what I could learn if I didn’t have the restriction of school.  For over 35 years I researched lots of different subjects.  I learned how to sew from a book, how to quilt, how to fix computers, you name it I learned it.  I found 2 things I didn’t get figured out from a book – how to cook and how to interact with people.  I found great tips in the books but nitty gritty those two things were hands on subjects.  I looked up cooking classes in our area and found out that it would cost me $2000 to take a cooking course.  I decided I could burn and ruin a lot of food for that much money.  I dove in and signed up for Allrecipes.com.  They have videos and other tips that fill in the blanks of missing knowledge.  I have my own collection of cookbooks.  I did read the Joy of Cooking.  That is when I learned that there are people that enjoy cooking a whole bunch more than I do.  I am having fun exploring the world of ingredients and food.  Interacting with people is a different situation.  I signed up for counseling and that cost plenty.  However, there is still the hands on experience of communicating with people.  Unlike food, I don’t want to toss out people like I would a dish I ruined with too much salt or vinegar.  Too much salt of vinegar with people and they throw me away.  I worry about saying the wrong thing, coming across mean, barking orders when a polite request would do.  Counseling taught me so much but the main thing I had a glaring light on my screw-ups.  PTSD interferes with my ability to communicate effectively with people.  I want to show the kind feelings I have but PTSD puts up a wall in an instant when I start to feel vulnerable or over whelmed.  Holiday season seems to bring out the worse.  High pressure and higher expectations becomes a time of failure almost guaranteed.  Emotional land mines abound in the weeks between Halloween and New years.  So I do research.  PTSD has many more internet sites than when I started my journey of research.  My counselor often used reading assignments to help me process my reactions to the world around me.  I get many suggestions.  The explosion of information and search tools expanded my research far beyond library walls.  What I study now is information that wasn’t available 10 years ago when I started.  What I am sharing, is what I learned.  Some people might ask why?  I probably won’t come this way again.  I believe in building bridges.  I believe someone else is going to be struggling on a similar path.  What happened in my childhood isn’t unique.  Others were hurt in similar ways that I was.  I can do two things by sharing what I learned.  I let other people know that they are not alone.  I can process information in a way that I can explain it to someone else.  Research is key to my learning process.  Sharing is key to my processing what I learn.

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