In the comments: “I found a few people I could talk to about suicide, i.e., when I felt like I was at the end of my rope. They were level headed and accepted I was depressed. They didn’t overreact. They didn’t lecture me or shame me. They accepted my feelings while ensuring I felt valued. Suicide stopped being a shameful secret and became an important and reliable warning sign for me. When I reach the point where I’m thinking I can’t take another day I know I need to step back and evaluate where I am. Sometimes it’s simply accepting that life is miserable but also reminding myself that the misery/pain won’t last. It never does. Some of it has gone on for years, but I know there’s hope because other long-term problems have either resolved or I’ve come to terms with them. My last-resort reminder to hang on is: “If I give up, THEY win.” That’s usually enough to keep me fighting for my life.”
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Choices even in the darkest moments we still have choices.
“It is our choices…that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities”
– J. K. Rowling
Every day I am thankful I chose to get counseling. On Suicide awareness day I wore yellow and “Love” written on my wrist. I thought about the people I knew that committed suicide. The loss. The feeling of guilt that some how I should have been able to do something. Then I reflected on how I wouldn’t allow anyone near me when I felt so low. I closed off and isolated myself. I shut down and shut my thoughts in. Could I have actually been able to help? I don’t know. I know at my darkest hour there was me and my faith in God and wondering how I would explain to Christ why I thought life was too tough and I shouldn’t be alive. Finally, the determination if I thought so little of myself that I could end my life, then the pedophile won. He would laugh in his grave that he destroyed me from his tomb. Funny how a dose of anger pushed me to turn around and choose living. Sometimes the toughest decision is the one to truly live. Not a numbed half life, but a jump up and down and move around to show you are alive. Thinking about those I knew that committed suicide I felt sad at a terrible loss of each life. I felt peace with my grieving. I imagined each one in the “Hollow of His Hands.” He will know what to do with their pain. This world is designed to inflict pain…doubt it? Step off a chair and you will hit the ground hard. No one is left out of something that twists their heart…It is what you do with the experience that makes all the difference. Choose to live and find out the possibilities.
Sadness, grief, terror, anger, punishment, worthlessness, hopelessness, end of the rope……tie a knot and hang on. PTSD torments a person day and night. Fear of harming others increase feelings of guilt. Deciding to end the torment may run the along the thinking of an execution rather than an act of cowardice some people claim is the reason a person commits suicide. Hard to explain the gamut of emotions that swirl darkly around the choice of suicide. Sometimes a survivor of a suicide attempt will say that they had no other choices. Please, believe me, if you are breathing – you have choices….it is only when you stop living that you are out of choices.