I didn’t learn a lot of this stuff from my counselor.  For about a year I belonged to an online community that were survivors of narcissistic parents.  My eyes were opened to a whole new way of looking at my mother.  She was never diagnosed because she refused to see a counselor more than once or twice. However, her behaviors matched up with crap that I found on line describing narcissists behaviors.  This is where I learned about NO JADE.  Once again I am linking to one of the Little Shaman healing podcast episode.  https://www.littleshaman.org/

No J.A.D.E.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qQKdkuJXvaU&feature=youtu.be  Used by Al-anon, too.

Do not Justify

Do not Argue (also found some using apologizing)

Do not Defend

Do not Explain

In a conversation with a person that shows narcissistic or abusive behavior, the conversation is all about them and their needs.  They will have no problem manipulating or changing ‘facts’ to suit themselves.  You can not have a rational conversation with a person that proves they are not rational.  No matter what I said, the conversation gets twisted around to being my fault.  I always thought if I could just make her understand.   Yea – that was so not happening.  Another thing the podcast brings out is the difference between reacting and responding.  She described that reacting is on an emotional level.  In other words, the narcissist wants an emotional reaction because that it what they are going for.  However, responding is dealing with the facts and information of the conversation without emotions taking over control. It is natural to want to explain and come to a better understanding, sadly some people/abusers have no intention of understanding, changing or any inclination to solving problems….They want what they want and if they destroy you in the process, too bad.  I learned that I needed some skills for conversation with healthy people where I can explain, share my ideas, and defend my point of view.  There is another set of skills to cope with people that are abusive and willing to harm me emotionally or physically.  I am thankful to my friends online that helped me understand NO JADE.  I’m thankful for my counselor teaching me how to identify and defend my point of view.  Both type of skills are needed since we interact with a variety of people.  I am passing out what was taught to me.

Conversations are not always what they seem.  Title of the picture, Not a fish.