“It’s painful to walk on eggshells.”

This is what one of my fellow people on a CPTSD Facebook group shared.  It jumped off the page at me.  I walked on eggshells my entire childhood.  Any misstep I would break something and be in trouble again.  Of course, everyday I got in trouble.  Walking on eggshells sounds like no big deal but it is.  It is painful.  It hurt me that I had to not be to excited, not be too annoying, not wake the mother, not do this or that….It was exhausting and it hurt because with every step I was painfully aware that I am not enough, for those around me.

My counselor changed everything.  And I mean everything.  He taught me that they were the problem not me.  He taught me to stop walking on egg shells.  NOT my job to make the other person comfortable.  I looked at him very gravely, “I would not have survived.”  His reply was stunning, “That’s true.  But you are an adult now, your survival is no longer dependent on them.”  Yes, I had to have it spelled out to me.  I am an adult now.  Change of program.

Now when I am in environment that once again I feel like I am walking on eggshells, I take my adult self and walk away.  If it is a job or a relationship I want to stay in, I choose not to walk on eggshells.  What are the consequences? I was telling my counselor, “but, they will get made at me.”  My therapist answer was stunning, “So.”  Then he went on to explain, “Their emotional reaction is their problem.”  I love being an adult.  Everyone once in awhile I catch myself feeling like I am walking on egg shells.  I stop, consider my actions, look at the issue is it their problem or mine, and do I want to “painfully walk on eggshells” for this situation.  If I actually say yes, I address the issue to see how I can get it back to a better way of living intentionally.  I am so thankful for this quote today.  Lately, I feel like I am walking on egg shells every time I leave my house because I don’t have permission to leave from some ‘authority’.  Bottom line, their reaction is not my problem.  Wow.  I’m going to work on enjoying being me this week.  Sometimes it helps to have someone else put into words what I am feeling.  I am tired of walking on eggshells, it hurts, I’m done.

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