Relentless

One of the hardest things to cope with PTSD/CPTSD/PTS,  whatever acronym you use, the darn thing is relentless.  Working with counselors, journal writing, groups, reading books, psychology methods, medication, whatever you throw at it……it tears at the edges of your life.  Ignore it for a time but it is always there.  Day and night.  No days off for good behavior.  No moving away.  Even during the years I remembered nothing, nightmares and body memories disrupted my life.  I’m a little jealous of my counselor that moved away and I had to find a different counselor.  He had the option to walk away, I don’t.  I can kick a cactus but all I do is hurt my foot.  The important step for me is accepting CPTSD is part of my life.  I am getting better at managing.  I am searching for understanding.  Seems like a cruel joke to have my childhood pain hurt me over and over and over.  The absurdity of acceptance, how could I accept this monstrosity?  Obsidian is formed during a volcanic reaction.  Diamonds are created under extreme pressure.  Pearls were once an small irritation.  Sequoias only burst open their seed cones after a fire burns out the undergrowth.  Nature repeatedly reveals that there are treasures created under extreme pressure.  One of the treasures, understanding hard times.  Another treasure, hyper-awareness while driving on the freeway.  Too often I consider the difficulties of living with CPTSD…..what are the treasures?  Courage…..value integrity…..recognizing the gift of fear….knowing that Christ is the Rock at the bottom…..putting somethings in proportion with a bit of help from my counselor.  I was terrified of an unpleasant boss that was trying to get me fired.  I realized that boss wouldn’t do anything that I hadn’t already lived through.  In a short time, he went from an epic monster to a useless rat once I put him up against what I knew people were capable of doing.  This is not looking for silver linings, this is busting open the rocks to find the crystals inside.  I am still working on understanding the gifts forged in hardship.  May your day be blessed with peace.

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