Known Trigger

I avoided writing about Mother’s day on this blog.  I spent several posts on my other blog working out how to get through the day.  Mother’s day is a known trigger for me.  It has more land mines than a war zone mine field.  I know it is a problem for me.  I prepared for the day by deciding in advance to stay home from church and making other decisions to help me to cope with the day.

http://weareone-ruth.blogspot.com/2015/05/in-week.html

http://weareone-ruth.blogspot.com/2015/05/troubled-in-my-heart.html

One of the things that I learned from my first counselor and proven very helpful was to accept that some triggers are not going away.  No matter how much I practice, re-frame, accept, process, there are somethings that just have to be avoided.  I can’t expect the whole world to tiptoe around my raw ragged feelings.  I am responsible for myself.  I need to do something about protecting myself and others from my adverse reactions to triggers.  Staying home was ideal.  My husband came with me when I visited my mother.  I chose a gift that if she gave away or completely forgot about wouldn’t upset me.  I prepared for the day.  I ended up with a wonderful week end.  I felt a twinge of sadness that as a young mother I wanted to write a book on the awesomeness of motherhood.  Now, I am thankful to get through Mother’s Day with my emotions in a happy place.  Maybe some day I can once again extol the wonders of motherhood without grieving the loss of my mother not able to be a mother to me or feeling guilty for my own short comings.  I don’t know if that day will come.  I am thankful for today.  I am thankful for our amazing children and the wonderful people they married.  Grandchildren are awesome .  Cuddling with our youngest grandchild healed a twinge of ache in my heart that I tried to ignore.  I feel happy today.

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