Time blackouts

Stated by my sister Judy https://theprojectbyjudy.wordpress.com/2015/05/21/i-think-i-need-to-learn-this/#comment-7509

    • Disassociation is another kettle of fish. I think it’s a matter of others and self.

      Detachment means you can’t connect to others.

      Disassociation means you struggle with connecting with yourself.

Not connecting with yourself is a great description of what happens with time blackouts.  Almost everyone has those experiences where you are working on something or involved with an activity, you look up at the clock and are shocked by how much time has past.  This is normal, even healthy.  What I am talking about is a bit more extensive.  It is when I would go to sleep on Monday, wake up on Wednesday, and wonder what happened to Tuesday  and why am I in trouble for either doing or not doing something the day before.  Before I started counseling, I knew there was something wrong.  I would go to my closet and someone would have all these clothes in the closet with mine shoved to the back.  I would find notes or letters written by someone else.  I stopped writing letters completely because I was so disturbed by what I had written and didn’t remember writing them.  I was asked to do a self portrait for photography and was totally puzzled by where some of the pictures came from on the roll of film.  I didn’t remember taking them but I knew I didn’t share my camera with anyone.  I finally made my presentation of photographs as a Möbius strip.  Click on the word to see a picture of one.  I was upset by my own creation.  It was one of many clues that I didn’t function like everyone else.  When I started counseling, we went for marriage counseling and I never mentioned any of this stuff.  I didn’t talk about my past, my present frustrations, I wanted to have a better marriage and totally separated myself out of the equation.  However, my counselor asked me about my childhood, I told him, “It was great I went to the park and to the zoo.”  He asked another question, “Tell me about an average day.”  I broke down and confessed I hadn’t known about my childhood since high school.  At that time, I asked my parents what was wrong with me that information seemed to be missing.  They assured me I was like every other teenager and stop exaggerating my problems.  I wasn’t exaggerating anything, there was something wrong with how I functioned.  To survive the brutal abuse of my pedophile neighbor, I sectioned myself off into pieces.  Each part had a specific role and handled certain problems but for me, the way I functioned showed up as missed time.  I was the last to know what was going on.  My children observed that was different with some people.  I was confused by their accusations that I was lying.  Several notable times through my life someone had commented to me about some of my behaviors.  The diagnosis was a relief PTSD with dissociation at a severe level.  I was stunned.  I had no idea how I was functioning by using 5 different personalities to cope with living.  Early on in counseling, I set a goal to integrate all the parts.  I didn’t want to loose 4/5ths of my time.  I wanted to look at the pictures in my house and know who those people were.  I wanted to open the closet door and recognize my own clothes.  I didn’t want someone else taking over for me.  I understand when I would read about others with multiple personalities deciding not to integrate.  It is a difficult and slow process.  It requires remembering some of the worst moments of my life.  Fortunately I had an amazing counselor that gently led me through the maze of my mind.  I am thankful for a husband that stood by me.  I am thankful for my sister accepting me.  She told me that my behavior made a lot more sense if she looked at me as 5 different people.  The story of my integration and my own going search for healthy behavior is what my other blog is all about.  http://weareone-ruth.blogspot.com/ Sadly Hollywood and the media, create problems by portraying multiple-personalities as criminals, faking it, or violent.  This does not help.  Some ‘experts’ will tell you there is no such thing.  I lived it for over 40 years.  I am thankful to integrate.  Yes, I believe it was a miracle.  Luke 18:27 And he said, The things which are impossible with men are possible with God.  I am thankful that I am now just 1 me.  I still lose bits of time when I am busy doing something but I know where the time went.  If you are a person that believes you are experiencing time black out, I recommend finding a counselor that specializes in PTSD and believes you when you tell them about the time missing.  Functioning as a multiple-personality is hard enough without the counselor not believing you.


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