Small triumphs reinforce using PTSD symptoms.  So what do I mean by that? Last night I flew to see my daughter.  Flying causes me a lot of anxiety because I have to pay attention to someone else’s schedule and not miss my flight when they have delays, lay overs, and other traps for a time challenged survivor.  I worked out a plan to pack munchies in my carry-on bag, really gave the person scanning a start to find little round liquid things in my bag.  Apparently grapes look suspicious on the scanner.  Holdups and switches trying to keep track of my luggage and the person giving me a hard time because I want to know why they are moving my carry-on from one scanner to another.  I kept reminding myself they were doing their job.  I waited through one delay and finally got to the lay over.  They sent me to the gate at the farthest end of the airport.  I went to the gate to check that all was well since the destination was different then listed for me.  The woman assured me that it would be the next flight after the one posted.  Fine….I knew it was a 3 hour wait.  I waited.  Played on my phone.  Waited some more.  Paced….yup back and forth, round and around.  The name at the gate never changed.  I already checked the reader board twice.  I walked around again.  My anxiety was climbing to calm myself down I checked the reader board for the third time.  (No I don’t have OCD but it sometimes makes me wonder.  Deepest sympathy for those that do have OCD.)  I stared at the gate next to my flight.  It changed.  If they made an announcement, I didn’t hear it because all announcements sound like Charlie Brown adults.  WAWAAAWAAAWAA you get the picture it sounds like garbled nothingness.  I stared at the number.  That was at the other end of the 1/4 mile corridor.  I’m thankful for moving sidewalks.  I made the distance in record time for me.  And there was my destination on the sign with my flight number.  I checked my boarding pass.  Did I make a mistake?  Nope, they changed the gate. I felt relieved and pissed off all at the same time.  My anxiety pushes at me until I do something about even if I check the lock again, check my boarding pass again, or in this case, for the third time checked the reader board.  Things change and this constant rechecking is reinforced yet again as a good thing, sometimes.  There are plenty of times when I laugh at my own obsession for checking but then something happens and it is reinforced that things have changed.  I’m so thankful I checked for the 3rd time.

Hawk flying upside down to catch a treat. How bad do you want it?