Self Punishment vs depression

There are times in my life when depression has the upper hand and makes my life miserable.  I feel like I need a gold star for getting out of bed.  I drag around barely able to function.  I do nothing that I enjoy.  Life sucks.

Self punishment is when I am feeling fairly healthy.  I am not depressed but I only give myself work to do.  I criticize myself for not working harder, smarter, faster….everything is work, work, work.  I don’t allow myself to do anything that I enjoy.  Life still sucks.

One of the weirdnesses of childhood abuse is when the abuser is gone.  I still abuse myself.  I set myself up  to fail just like I was taught to do.  I am critical and when found wanting punish myself for not meeting a goal, self expectation or artificially deadline that no one requires but me.  I nag, swear at, and generally live up to the adage “We have met the enemy and they is us.”  Depression is hard enough without beating myself up emotionally for not solving this ‘little’ problem years ago.  My counselor pointed out that many of his clients he gave assignments to care for others.  In my case and others like me, he needed to teach my to take care of myself.

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