I struggled with reading as a child. I also had a really lousy teacher and almost every student in that class had a major set back. Trauma in the classroom makes it hard to learn. In high school, I changed it all. I worked hard taking difficult classes and graduated in the top 5% of a class of over 400 students. The comment from my mother to me, “Your brothers are smarter you just worked hard.” Like working hard is some how a cheater thing to do. I continued to try to prove myself over and over. No luck. I was a girl therefore I was stupid. Full stop end of story.
18. “I constantly think I’m not good enough and I’m not smart enough. [I] was told [this] all my childhood… I’ve gone back to university to prove to myself that I am smart enough, but it’s always there in the back of my mind, like a poison, reminding me I’m not good enough, not smart enough.” https://themighty.com/2017/06/childhood-emotional-abuse-adult-habits/
What did I do about it? For me, it took counseling and many hours of reteaching from my counselor. He pointed out that some people, of course he never said who, lie about others to feel good about themselves. Huh what? With all the encouragement from my counselor I still feel stupid and not good enough. I am now working on Lumosity lumosity.com I am discovering for myself I am fairly smart. I am also learning more about self parenting, toxic parents, and a host of other things that bring about this feeling. I also learned this is not exclusive to PTSD. Disturbing how this is almost a universal reaction of people. I am surprised at how many people struggle with feeling they are enough. It is like this on going reassurance that I am doing enough. I want to be better but sometimes that simply does not happen. Then I remember Zig Ziglar about motivation, “People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.” – Zig Ziglar Self esteem takes a hammering every day, need to reassure myself everyday that I am smart and I am enough.
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