I started in high school.  I was tired of name calling, stupid, ding-a-ling, lights are on but nobody is home.  I wanted to ‘prove’ I was smart.  I studied like crazy and got straight A’s.  I was thrilled and so excited…the name calling persisted.  I maintained a 3.79 grad point average without weighted grades.  I graduated in the top 5% of my class.  I was still called names.  I was told that the only reason I got good grades was because I worked to earn them, like work was some sort of dirty word.  I gave up trying to ‘prove’ anything but I am hooked on overachieving.  I go above and beyond on everything.  I will work myself to exhaustion trying to be the very best.  I keep getting rewarded for doing well.  So it is hard to stop.  The rest of the world outside of my abusers feed my ego when I overachieve.

“I’m an overachiever. At everything and anything. I still feel the need to prove I’m good enough. I obsess about doing a job/task to perfection. And then I obsess about how I could do it better. [I worry] about others’ opinions way too much.”

https://themighty.com/2017/06/childhood-emotional-abuse-adult-habits/

It took Flylady.net pointing out the hazards of perfectionism and overachieving.  I read with fascination the twisted thinking I used to procrastinate until I could do something perfectly.  I learned from her that swish and swipe was good enough.  Progress and not perfection were my new goal.  Somethings are not worth doing well.  Sometimes good enough is good enough.  I still struggle but I am getting better.  I discovered a new dimension when I was in counseling.  I discovered I freaked out when I made the most minor mistakes.  I actually do Sodukus to teach myself not to stress when I make a mistake.  If I make a mistake in the puzzle, I put a big X across it, turn the page and move on.  I don’t try to fix it.  I don’t look at the answer for where I went wrong.  I X it out and let it go.  I am finding myself more and more relaxed when I do something.  I don’t have to be the best and I am not the only one that can do something.  It is a work in progress but I am learning to enjoy more and overachieve less.

Beauty of imperfection