I try

I try to care for myself but I seem to put hurdles in front of my that make it more difficult.  I am cutting soy out of my diet.  But then I look longingly at the bake goodies that all have soy in them.  Reading the label 20 times does not change the ingredients.  However, I did have a smack down experience this week.  I gave in and ate a very yummy donut.  It tasted so good.  I read online that yes they use soy oil.  Bummer.  Very next meal I had trouble swallowing food.  That fast of a consequence makes it easier to not ‘cheat’ on this diet.  One of the big things about self care is understanding I can’t cheat myself.  I know what I’ve done.  No questions asked.  I did it.  I paid the consequences.

One of the difficulties I had as a child growing up that many of the rules were random with consequences that were false, meaning punishments had little or nothing to do with the supposed infraction.  Many of my “misdeeds” were not actually a big deal one way or another except in the eyes of my abusers setting me up so I was guaranteed to fail.  Who does that to a kid?  Then I watch myself set myself up to fail.  I don’t need an abuser in my life I’ve learned to do it to myself.  One of the things I am going to work on this week is not worrying so much about trying harder as much as clearing obstacles out of my way.

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