Not good enough

Caution Rant post……



People say, “Stop apologizing all the time.”  But then they tell you what is wrong with you and expect an apology.  People say, “You are enough.”  Then they tell you how much you hurt other people and you are not enough.  People say, “Accept me how I am.”  But refuse to accept me how I am.  People can be a real pain to be around, then they wonder why I want little or nothing to do with them.  I remember when I worked at a university.  They were trying to turn me into a manager of people.  I looked at the life coach and told her, “I don’t do people.”  I will manage computers all day long but people leave me completely confused.  They want to talk honestly only if you are saying what they want to hear.  If you give your opinion different from theirs, you are the bad guy for being negative.  One of the professors I worked with was surprised when I told some news that was going to have a negative outcome for them.  He told me, “Oh no that won’t happen.”  It happened exactly like I said it would.  He was shocked. He didn’t want to see the bad things coming and accused me of being negative.  I saw what was coming and didn’t deny its existence so I was prepared and not surprised.  I see things differently.  I’ve always seen things differently.  I keep my mouth shut most of the time because I learned that people don’t actually want to hear a different a opinion.  How dare I think differently.  Every so often I get a troll comment on this blog telling me my ideas or feelings or perspective is awful and how could I possibly write such awfulness.  My answer is delete.  Not because I can’t take criticism, most of my life I was awash in criticism.  I have the right to my opinion they have the right to theirs, they can write their own blog.  It is true, sometimes my opinion needs review.  I need to look at where my thoughts are taking me.  Right now I am struggling to stay out of a very dark hole.  I recognize that much of the stress I am experiencing is self inflicted.  I need to step back.  What can I actually do right now with the resources I have?

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