Too Much

Sometimes when I am invited to share, I share too much.  I forget how tough some of my life was and how bad it can sound to someone else.  It was “normal” for me and I don’t notice until I watch someone else’s reaction.  I joke that I have a PhD in hard knocks.  I still need to learn to share less or a little bit and see how they handle that much.  I want others to know that there is life after trauma.  I am passionate about sharing that a crappy childhood does not have to translate to a crappy adult life.  Learning to take charge of myself was a long slow process.  My counselor took me back to what I call ground zero of deciding what is truth and no more lies.  I lied all the time to protect the people that hurt me most.  It was crazy and messed up.  I stopped lying for them.  I stopped covering up their cruelty.  I stopped trying to fix their problems.  I stopped being their doormat.  I learned to take back my own power.  I learned to accept myself.  I learned that I am worth loving.  Their loss that they could not accept me for who I am.  Sadly, some people doubt that there are people in the World that are willing and able to hurt others.  Rather than believe me, they think I am the liar to protect their own belief that parents are good to their children and no adult would purposely set out to destroy a child.  I lived it.  Not new information for me.  I still need to tone myself down a bit.  My counselor suggested installing a dimmer switch.  So far, not very successful.  I either don’t say anything or everything comes racing out all at once.  Heavy sigh.  Probably struggle with this all of my life.  I stay quiet for so long it is a relief to have someone willing to listen.  Bummer, too much is still too much.  One counselor actually implied I was lying to get attention.  I informed her I would not be using her services.  Tough stuff happen, however, I don’t need to share it.

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