A new year, a new beginning, the same pain and the same challenges. I laughed when a teacher at church shared that he does not make New Year Resolutions because he likes to spread his failures out over the whole year. I hate new year resolutions because I hate the sound of them breaking on January 2nd. Goals so young and so soon to die. Recently, my son-in-law is posting ideas about living intentionally. It got me thinking, a lot. What if, unlike how I was raised to believe, that goal did not die just because I fail? What if that goal is hanging out there to take one more step forward? What if my goals morph and change as I grow and strengthen and perhaps change a little or a lot? What if all we are taught about obtainable SMART goals is just practice for the real thing called living?
So where am I going with this? Past experience filled with pain and suffering sometimes seem to dominate my daily struggle. Lofty things like goals, SMART goals, moving forward are vague concepts that are barely understood. I knew survival intimately but this whole goal oriented talk was to me a mirage that would shatter with the next barrage of hatred and violence and seriously scary stuff. However, I can intentionally live today. I will take my pain filled body and get up. Eat breakfast. Say hi to friends on Facebook. Late, but I made it to church. Felt frustrated with what they were saying about more goals and improving when I realize they don’t understand the life that dogs me every day. How do you leave a past behind that revisits in nightmares every night? However, I can live intentionally. I can share my story. I can choose to have a better day today by the choices I make.
I saved an article that I think is suitable with this post. I believe in sharing different points of views from the sources I find. Some people with CPTSD/PTSD expressed their feeling that it is unfair that healing is on us. My theory is my abusers desire was to beat me down until I stopped getting up. My victory is to get up one more time. There is a move about the life of Gandhi where he does this. They kept beating him down but he kept getting up again. His victory came every time he stood up. He intentionally decided to get up. I intentionally choose a healthier life and take on the responsibility to heal. My goal of healthy, happy, peace and other amazing words is waiting for me as I inch forward. Sometimes I rest but I don’t let my past stop me from becoming the me I want to intentionally live to become. My battle cry, “My past can’t stop me from healing.” I intentionally choose to heal.
Found on Facebook, I wish I knew the source.
Trauma Is Not Your Fault, But Healing Is Your Responsibility
PTSD - Accepting, Coping, Thriving 
The past can’t stop you from healing or trying to! You’re right! We may be the sum of our experiences but we’re not done experiencing things. We can get woke and create stuff in the present that bless our future. I love your post. Keep the positive thinking. I know it’s hard but everyone is worth smiles.
Thank you.
I had a revelation in one of my sessions with my psychologist a wee while ago. When she was explaining my dissociation and memory lapses(so many) were not bad things but the things that got me through. My inner child protected me in taking over somehow. I just now have to learn how and practice saying to her thanks, but I have the reigns now. It works sometimes. More and more…it works.
I have also picked up a new mantra Be content with the discontent. not flowery or blow your mind stuff. but wow again with CPTSD for me it hits a chord. helpfully.
I also share my story, I tell people I had a breakdown, I have CPTSD and I can no longer work. Since reading other blogs such as yours and several others I have been much more content, and joyful. I am not keen on positivity, it brings to my mind lots of posters of quotable quotes that were in fashion in my younger years. I think beautifully so I look to my life and see that like you I keep getting up and not giving up. Now I add to that I get up and manage my own life how I need to live and be my self. I do smile more, and I am more content.
For me I feel the simple fact that I LIKE waking up each day is a huge move forward no matter what may happen in that day. I know that in the morning I will LIKE waking UP. simple small but monumental for me.
I am not cured and I am not how would you say well. Today was shit, but I was at least able to ask for help BIG STEP FOr me. That inturn helped me, issue not resolved but help will be at hand.
I have stopped searching for me…I am here. I know me, and that is where I am right now. Where I am right now is such a different place to where I was two months ago, a year ago, four years ago. I have changed during this time, how can you not when I am dealing with a lifetime of traumatic incidents, some that cause great pain and I too have bad dreams. I wake up exhausted and troubled, I still am glad to wake up! I jot down what I am feeling then and hope to go back to sleep for a bit. (not working has some advantages)
it helsp me
Awesome Tazzie. I am so proud of you. Cheering at your continued progress. Asking for help is a huge thing. Even better when you receive the help asked for. Yeah.
Thank you for sharing your progress. Cheering for you.
oh I love your photo I would hang this one up!
Thanks Tazzie. That makes my heart happy.