A new year, a new beginning, the same pain and the same challenges. I laughed when a teacher at church shared that he does not make New Year Resolutions because he likes to spread his failures out over the whole year. I hate new year resolutions because I hate the sound of them breaking on January 2nd. Goals so young and so soon to die. Recently, my son-in-law is posting ideas about living intentionally. It got me thinking, a lot. What if, unlike how I was raised to believe, that goal did not die just because I fail? What if that goal is hanging out there to take one more step forward? What if my goals morph and change as I grow and strengthen and perhaps change a little or a lot? What if all we are taught about obtainable SMART goals is just practice for the real thing called living?
So where am I going with this? Past experience filled with pain and suffering sometimes seem to dominate my daily struggle. Lofty things like goals, SMART goals, moving forward are vague concepts that are barely understood. I knew survival intimately but this whole goal oriented talk was to me a mirage that would shatter with the next barrage of hatred and violence and seriously scary stuff. However, I can intentionally live today. I will take my pain filled body and get up. Eat breakfast. Say hi to friends on Facebook. Late, but I made it to church. Felt frustrated with what they were saying about more goals and improving when I realize they don’t understand the life that dogs me every day. How do you leave a past behind that revisits in nightmares every night? However, I can live intentionally. I can share my story. I can choose to have a better day today by the choices I make.
I saved an article that I think is suitable with this post. I believe in sharing different points of views from the sources I find. Some people with CPTSD/PTSD expressed their feeling that it is unfair that healing is on us. My theory is my abusers desire was to beat me down until I stopped getting up. My victory is to get up one more time. There is a move about the life of Gandhi where he does this. They kept beating him down but he kept getting up again. His victory came every time he stood up. He intentionally decided to get up. I intentionally choose a healthier life and take on the responsibility to heal. My goal of healthy, happy, peace and other amazing words is waiting for me as I inch forward. Sometimes I rest but I don’t let my past stop me from becoming the me I want to intentionally live to become. My battle cry, “My past can’t stop me from healing.” I intentionally choose to heal.