My husband and I sat down yesterday and listed all the stress that have hit in the last 2 weeks. Some were positive, happy family moments, others were negative, rattling my cage, unnerving. We talked and talked. I am choosing to make some changes. I realized that I was pushing too hard to overcome triggers that haven’t healed. I was pushing too hard to do everything perfectly. I was expecting too much of myself at work and at home. Step back……..think……..one of the powers of being human is that we are not locked into the Flight, Fight, or Freeze triad of animal responses. There is another choice: Pause, review/reflect, consider choices, move forward…..repeat as needed. (Sounds like part of the shampoo instructions.) I realized Saturday night while baking cakes and brownies, making jello and binging on cooking at 2 in the morning that I needed to rethink my current behavior. I lost birthday cards. I forgot to send some. I am struggling……the frustrations of life coated in layers of PTSD twists and turns. I am learning that somethings that I blame on PTSD are really just struggles of everyday living then out of the dark a direct hit that I know is only from PTSD. A flashback….a thought pattern…..a trigger……stinging slap in my memories that reminds me that PTSD is there tripping me up. I read other’s blogs and feel reassured that I am not alone in my struggles. I open up and share my concerns and find out that there are those in my life that are supportive and encouraging me. One of the shots across my bow was the death of Robin Williams. He reminded me how fragile our hold on life can be. From the outside, he looked like he had it all but the inside is another story. So it is with PTSD, people on the outside have no idea what is going on in my inside. Even when I tell them, unless they have experienced it, it is hard to explain. I am thankful that I decided to give living a chance to teach me that there are amazing people and wonderful experiences. Need to sleep and stop eating chips or stop eating chips and get some sleep. Some days, PTSD just sucks.