Accountable

I am working on a series of questions over on my other blog.  Today I stumbled on what I could say is  pet peeve I have.  Accountability.  I am accountable for my behavior.

Here is the link to my other blog:

http://weareone-ruth.blogspot.com/2014/09/tell-me-one-thing-that-i-do-which-makes_26.html

I am reiterating the same concept here.

I finally decided that the thing that would make my life worse is if I am not held accountable for my behavior.  I watched the destructiveness of “I feel sorry for her so I won’t say anything about her bad behavior, that is just the way she is.”  Several destructive things happen, I don’t have an opportunity to change my behavior, you will feel more and more resentment, and I am on a truth campaign.  I want to know the truth about my life.  I want to improve my behavior.   I know it is hard to comprehend that I don’t always know what I am doing.  Holding me accountable gives me an opportunity to do things differently.   I want to know if I said something unkind or careless.  I want to be aware of how I come across to someone else.  I won’t be able to mentally process some things that you take for granted.  Feeling emotions is still fairly new to me.  I admit that a big part of my truth campaign is to search out and find ways to improve my interactions with those that I love and anyone else that encounters me.  I want a second chance to be a better person.  I don’t want to be shunted aside with “She’s crazy, she can’t do any better.” Yes I have mental illness, yes it sucks, yes it interferes with my life, yes the symptoms can get worse, but I feel much worse if I hurt those I love and don’t realize it because nobody told me.  Please, give me a second chance, I won’t waste it.  I know that you are so patient with me.  I spent years not knowing what I was fighting.  All of you kids suffered consequences of me handling my problems badly.  I am learning from counselors, articles, blogs, books, and other sources what challenges I have. Give me a chance to be the parent I want to be as often as possible.  I know I’ll mess up.  I know I will need to apologize.  However, I don’t believe saying, “I have PTSD” is a get out of jail free card.  Saying, “I have PTSD” means I need to work harder to overcome what is weighing me down.  I am going back into counseling because PTSD is getting the upper hand.  I need more tools and strategies to be the person I want to be.  PTSD does not define me.  PTSD is a challenge in my life but the me I want you to know is the warm loving person that thinks it a miracle that you are in my life.

Dear Reader,

If you came to my blog wanting someone to say, “Your life is hard you don’t need to change you are magically wonderful exactly as you are, behaving like a jerk is acceptable behavior as long as you blame it on PTSD” this is not the blog.  My message is “I am so sorry you have PTSD. That is a a big challenge to overcome. You came to the right place to learn strategies of coping, possible solutions, and someone to cheer you on, shouting you can do this, PTSD does not need to control your life.”

For years, I didn’t know what was stealing my energy, destroying my sleep, and creating havoc in my life where ever I went.  I now have a name, PTSD.  I know there are strategies to combat it.  I know where I can get help.  I want to improve my life.  I want to be better than I was yesterday or last year or whatever time frame.  I accept that I have challenges; I also accept that I have strengths to meet these challenges. Acceptance of myself doesn’t mean I want to stay were I am.

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