Well yesterday was very busy and very fun. I am now back on task to share a few more from the wish list posted here:
- I am not lazy; I’m processing.
This one was tough on me. I believed this about myself. It took a lot, and I mean a LOT, of counseling to help me understand that due to the early childhood emotional damage I process emotions on a very slow pace. I need alone time to doing little or nothing to sort through emotional stuff. Very difficult for those that are close to me….and event can happen on Thursday and I don’t understand I am angry about until Saturday. This gap has reduced and a huge improvement over not realizing I was angry. Yup, I had all kinds of emotions that I set aside so completely I no longer recognized them as my emotions. Getting “in-touch” with my emotions was one of my more difficult tasks in the healing process.
- My body feels like a battleground.
Wow, does it ever. War of the Worlds is going on inside. Counseling helped me sort out and recognize who the combatants are. I joked for a long time that I was run by a committee that hated each other. I also didn’t have any medical doctors that explained the mind/emotion/body connections. Also the body gets hijacked by my emotions. I learned so much about trigger followed by fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. The body takes control believing my mind doesn’t know how to handle things. I learned about the amygdala and many other parts of the brain. If you feel like there is a war going on inside….probably is. Counseling is helpful in sorting out emotions and working at taking back control of your mind and body. Plan on a long term battle.
- I’m not “crazy” when I am triggered.
I monster trigger is when you are emotionally and mentally catapulted into the past. Your body may act out past actions and behaviors. To an outside observer your behavior is beyond bizzare but if you could be inside my mind you would realize that it makes total sense to me. Learning mindfulness, grounding and other techniques to help me realize what decade I am living in makes a big difference. Yes, if I looked at a calendar I would find it hard to believe what day it actually is. Fortunately, for me, counseling brought most of my major triggers to a livable level. Not everyone is so fortunate. Having a trusted person present goes a long way to being explain possibilities when calm so that when a trigger sets of a major reaction, someone outside of myself can help me come back to the present. It does look for strange to someone that doesn’t understand a triggered response.
- My heart hurts.
Betrayal, emotional suffering, and violation are all part of the trauma of PTSD especial those caused by child abuse. Then the betrayal is by someone that should have cared for you instead of abusing you. There were times that I understand at a very personal level the sensation of having a ‘broken heart.’ It hurts.
Pain and suffering both body and spirit are part of the trauma that caused the PTSD. Processing emotions, keeping the amygdala from hijacking my body, trigger responses all hurt me emotionally. The hurting goes soul deep. I am thankful for loved ones and a counselor that helped me navigate these troubled waters.