The responses tell their own story

Healing From Complex Trauma and Ptsd/cptsd is a page I follow on face book.  She posted a question about what NEVER to say to a survivor.  These are as many responses as my computer allowed me to collect.  If you are offended by swear words or sensitive situations, don’t read this. My purpose for sharing this list is to raise awareness that many memes, common quotes and cute sayings are not appropriate for abuse survivors with or without PTSD.

 

Things never to say to a Complex PTSD/PTSD survivor?
Let’s compile a list…. you add the attitudes and words you find invalidating, wrong and hurtful…
I’ll start….
How do have PTSD, you’re not a soldier.
Just think happy thoughts.
Why are you dwelling on the past?
Aren’t you over that yet? 
Boo!
What can you add???
Lilly heart emoticon 
Healing From Complex Trauma and Ptsd/cptsd
What happened to you was not that serious. Get over it. Or my favorite. I don’t want to hear about it. Quit overreacting.

“You shouldn’t have joined the Air Force.”
“You shouldn’t think of your friends who died in that crash.”

Get your priorities straight, then you will be fine.

You seem very bitter.  Stop living in the past.  Be more positive.  Only you are in control of your life.  Other people go through the same thing & are fine & get on with their lives.  The best way to get over fear is to do the very thing you’re scared of.  Stop moaning.

Healing From Complex Trauma and Ptsd/cptsd Thank you for these, yes, they are very inappropriate and lacking in empathy.

There’s plenty of people worse off. Come on, get over it.

Life is made of choices…. Or some such rubbish, apparently we are meant to just choose what someone else has done to us ? Hmmm
O another one is ‘ you just have to take what life throws at you!
Hmm again as I say some us get a bigger lot to cope with than others.

The past is the past. It doesn’t affect you now.

You have to choose to let it go and stop focusing on it.
“You’re still alive, time to get over it ”

“I think she just needs to get over it”

” You’re still rehashing that?” “I thought you were over that!” “There is worse” “You’ve got everything to be happy”….etc

There are other people worse off than you. Just don’t think about the bad things that have happened. Its just Attention seeking behaviour. Make new memories.

PTSD is an emotional issue that you could control if you wanted to.

All that happened thirty plus years ago.

You knew he was a piece of shit when you married him.

My husband is doing a PTSD/mental illness awareness song and film clip based around this. Pm me if you’d like the link to have a look

Ruth Mower: You attract all things that happen to you. Hating yourself caused this to happen.

Healing From Complex Trauma and Ptsd/cptsd That kind of victim blaming, victim shaming BS really angers me. The law of attraction, karma BS, is all victim blaming.

Negative breeds negativity. Was what I got a lot. Along the same lines. It hurts

You don’t have any faith in a God if you have depression/PTSD

They wouldn’t want you to be sad, you can’t change the past so get on with your life. You only live once so make the most of it. Yeah, wish it was that easy frown emoticon

“You’re lying that never happened.”

She covers her wounds with smiles but whenever she gets hurt again, all her wounds just split open. All her pain and agony comes back. It’s not that she’s still angry, BUT her pain ran so deep that none of her wounds ever healed. When she is being hurt by the ones she loved the most, the pain never ends.
For those who know me; knows that I have been fighting an endless battle not only with my physical health but also my mental health. If you don’t already know…Yes, I suffer with mental illnesses but that doesn’t mean you have to keep your distance. I’m just like everyone else, I have my up days and I have my down days. But whatever day that I’m having, it would be helpful to have support and validation from others. Because in reality for many years the B.P.D., Depression, P.T.S.D. and the Anxiety has all been consistently trying to take over my life by stopping me from enjoying the things that I love and also leaving me fearful, low and constantly on edge. And when the low periods come (as they usually do when I’m overwhelmed), there’s a raging war that goes on in my head to seek or to not seek help. During this battle of fighting back and forth is when I have trouble maintaining relationships as I end up pushing people away. And I literally HATE this habit, especially more so when I hurt those I love and that are close to my heart.
Because of what I’ve been through, there are going to be times when I share a post to not only help raise awareness and educate; but to also express my hurt and pain. Some people will consider when a certain amount of time has passed, that the traumatized person “should be” at least more over the situation than what the actual traumatized person really is. I’ve constantly gotten “When are you going to get over this?!” or “C’mon now, it’s been how long?!” and “Somehow you gotta let this go already.” No matter how justified my pain was/is, no matter how detailed, or the analogies I provided to get through to some people just showed how severe the degree was/is of what I was put through. They’d begin to “not want to hear it” mostly because I think they just couldn’t handle the severity of it and just wanted me to “get better”. I know their words weren’t out of malicious intentions; it just hurt them seeing me so torn apart. But the lack in sensitivity, after a while, because of THEIR frustration that I was (am) in so much pain, really hurt me additionally.
It’s odd that everyone who knows me or knows my story classifies me as “strong”. So for me to have gotten so broken by ALL of what I was put through, you’d think it’d be evident how severe it actually was. But then again, because I’m viewed as so fucking “strong”, they expected me to recover easier or better than I had (have) gotten.
I never asked for this painful journey, nor am I seeking attention, but I do hope that my posts and/or experiences help you or someone you know.

It wasn’t that bad

“Your soul made a contract to experience that perfection.”
“You always get a choice.”
“Are you bipolar?”

“Let it go”. I understand many people/therapists use this but to me it’s identical to “get over it”.

Healing From Complex Trauma and Ptsd/cptsd Have you noticed a theme throughout nearly all of these? Victim blaming and victim shaming. It’s an epidemic. Along with a complete lack of empathy and lack of understanding trauma. I feel so sad for everyone, who is harmed and traumatised more…. buy all this. So wrong!! Lilly heart emoticon heart emoticon

“Stop living in the past” -Aaarrrggghhh!!!!

“Get over it, it was years ago” -My step dad to my Mum when she confronted him about it when I was in my 20’s. It’s stuck with me now. I think about it all the time frown emoticon

A lot of times, people don’t need to say anything but having judgemental look on their face will cut you like a knife.

You’re looking back to much. Do you make sports? Going to work everyday would be a good therapy. You like being a victim? You hold on to your “hypersensitivity” willingly. There are people that “need” therapists their whole life…Leave it behind and just move on. You just think to much instead of doing something. Compared to others you had it good. There’s a reason for everything that happens to us. Just concentrate on your inner peace. … and so on. frown emoticon

Never mind her,she has a huge chip on her shoulder,most painful thing ive every heard in my life.

You need to grow up. You need to get out more. You need to work on yourself more.

What people who weren’t abused don’t understand is that we carry the patterns and deviations that the abuse caused within us, for a lifetime.. if they had any kind of understanding they would not say things like “Aren’t you over that yet”? “Just forget about in and move on”.. “There are people far worse off than you” etc.. all these comments just diminish us further, at times making us feel almost invisible.. I know that family members are only saying these things out of frustration, but sometimes the only way to deal with this total lack of empathy, is to detach ourselves from these people because they are choosing not to educate or enlighten themselves re our suffering.. I believe sometimes the only way to protect ourselves is to realign our boundaries as we get older and wiser, and to take no shit from those who refuse to let us speak

Healing From Complex Trauma and Ptsd/cptsd A lot of minimization occurs with many unempathic responses & ‘advice’.

Omg! My Blood is at boiling point reading this dear friends
Personally have been told..shouted and screamed at by my own Mummy dearest..Your a Whore that deserved it and this one! Your Father wouldn’t have gone that far with you!
Still makes me sick…

“You weren’t in any danger, so you don’t have PTSD.” “You don’t actually have PTSD because you don’t act like others I know who do.” “You just want attention and pity.” The first one was said to me directly, but the last two were said to me more indirectly.

“You just feel sorry for yourself”
“You’re having a pity party”
“You’re such a downer”
“Dry it up. I’m sick of you crying all the time ”
“Nothing can be that bad”
“You don’t appreciate what you have”

I got told last week by a woman who was doing my relaxation massage, that my cancer that is in my private parts is because of the sexual trauma!
I have reported her. She is a volunteer for the cancer council. I think she should be sacked! The manager phoned me and apologised but yeah how the heck does that help me. Its in my head now but I am just telling myself she is a fool.
yes ladies we can get cancer of the vulva. I didnt know that. I was checking everywhere else! So get out a mirror girls and be your best advocate for your health.
sorry to anyone who thinks this is too much information. But there is no modesty when it comes to this. In my view and if I can help get awareness out there and save anyone from this. So be it ☺ I am coming from a good place please dont slag me for being open about this.

Healing From Complex Trauma and Ptsd/cptsd It makes me want to cry reading all these. I am so sorry you have all suffered these completely inappropriate, hurtful and re-traumatising responses, attitudes and words. I really am so very sorry. People can be cruel. Sometimes unintentionally. Sometimes intentionally. But, regardless of the intentionality, it hurts. And really understand that. (((((((hugs))))))) to whoever needs one. Lilly heart emoticon heart emoticon

Healing From Complex Trauma and Ptsd/cptsd Thank you heart emoticon heart emoticon

“You need to just get over it”, “they will pay for their crime”, “they didn’t damage you, it’s just the way you responded to it that damaged you”, “rape causes PTSD?”, “rape is just sex you regret afterwards”, and mostly “you’ll be ok when you stop dwelling in the past”

A therapist I went to told me my ex (narcissist/sociopath) wasn’t doing those things “to” me. This is just the way he is. I had a choice to leave and I stayed. I need to own my part in this breakdown of the relationship. I never went back.

Words that I CRINGE to every time I hear them – “MOVE ON”…. if only it was that easy

“It’ll pass”
“You’re strong, you’ll be ok”.
They mean well, but they get to pat me on the back, speak these supposed words of wisdom/comfort…and then leave. So, the pain/torture that I feel right now is fine, is it? Screw you.

Healing From Complex Trauma and Ptsd/cptsd It worries me, when I see some of the really poor therapy advice and clearly bad therapist, dishing out some of this highly inappropriate, invalidating, victim blaming/shaming BS.

Healing From Complex Trauma and Ptsd/cptsd Rachel Lines Yes, thankfully there are some good doctors and therapists too heart emoticon

The best therapist/doctor/counsellors ive come across have walked the talk, have experienced it first hand.

Ruth Mower I had to fire a therapist because her actions showed clearly she had no idea what PTSD was and how it affected me.

What happened to you was not that serious. Get over it. Or my favorite. I don’t want to hear about it. Quit overreacting.

“You shouldn’t have joined the Air Force.”
“You shouldn’t think of your friends who died in that crash.”

Get your priorities straight, then you will be fine.

You seem very bitter. Stop living in the past. Be more positive. Only you are in control of your life. Other people go through the same thing & are fine & get on with their lives. The best way to get over fear is to do the very thing you’re scared of. Stop moaning.

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