No spoons

I look around and try to find other people that shared their experiences with PTSD.  I believe that getting different perspectives will help a person to recognize their own challenges.  I am very aware that my reaction and abuse pushes towards the extreme end of PTSD continuum.  I worry that someone might decide not to seek professional help because they are not as ‘bad’ as I am.  Sometimes people need to hear more than one source to believe that what they are experiencing is real.  Gas lighting can keep a person from recognizing that what they are experiencing is abuse.  I connected and understood the Spoon theory which I shared before but I want to add the link again…..  From my own experience I learned that when I am out of energy, I’m done….moving is no longer optional. For me, I took years experiencing complete wipe out before I accepted that energy is extremely limited commodity.  One way I described it, PTSD is like having a hole in your gas tank.  You run out of energy much faster and more completely.  One day I was describing how I could only sit on the couch.  The person I talked to sighed, “I wish I had time to sit on the couch.”  I showed great restraint by not punching her in the face or screaming, “I didn’t have an option.” One such shut down occurred at school.  My body slumped into my chair and I couldn’t lift my arms to the keyboard of my computer.  The teacher came into talk to me and I explained I couldn’t move.  She left me alone.  After about an hour, I could lift my hands and do simple copy work on the computer….not much thinking to recreate a handout.  Later the teacher asked me what I would do if there was a fire drill.  I half smiled and answered, “Wave good bye.”

She gasped.  “What if it was a real fire?”

“I would still wave good bye,” same answer.

She is a very energetic lady and declared she would assign two students to drag me out.  That is my reality.  I am fortunate this happens only about once or twice a month now.  Used to be everyday.  I learned how to conserve energy and space my projects.  I pay attention to the early symptoms to get myself to a safe place and let it happen.  I don’t have a choice.  My body is done.  I can either be in a safe place or fall down.  Sitting on the floor is safest since I don’t usually fall off a floor.  I have fallen out of chair and off a couch.   Really sucks some days.


This is another person’s experience of what happens when all the energy drains away.



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