A New Beginning

Each year, every person has an opportunity to begin again.  What will I bring with me into the new year?  What will I have the courage to leave behind? So many people with PTSD want another chance at living a ‘normal’ life.  So many are disappointed to find out that ‘normal’ doesn’t exist.  My counselor pointed out the only normal guaranteed is a setting on the drier.  I look back at this past year and feel discouraged.  Tough is the  word that comes to mind.  High were far and few between.  Lows dominated and sucked the life out of me many days this year. Progress was minuscule.  Back sliding occurred in several areas of my life.  Here it is New Year’s Eve.  2016 is dying, let it die.

a firm decision to do or not to do something: https://search.yahoo.com/yhs/search?p=resolution+definition&ei=UTF-8&hspart=mozilla&hsimp=yhs-004

Have I ever resolved to do anything?  Yes.  I fought through 12 years to graduate from high school, 15 years to graduate from college, 10 years to struggle through counseling.  I turned my life inside out and upside down in an effort to change my life from dark devastating depression to thriving.  I am a work in progress.  This year I experienced what I feel were several set backs, stalls, feeling stuck, I am so done with 2016.  Good things happened but exhaustion dominated my time.  To give you an example, I came home from a grueling day at school.  I barely made it home safely.  I collapsed on the couch and flipped through TV shows.  I couldn’t concentrate on a commercial….nothing made sense and it all seemed a blur.  My sweet husband came home from a 12 hour day and 2 hours of driving to and from work.  He asked me what was for dinner.  I smiled and answered, “Anything you want to get.” He asked, “What are you going to eat?”  My answer, “Anything you are willing to get me.”  He’s been married to me for 40 years and stuck with me through thick and thin.  He quietly observed, “You can’t get up, can you?”  Nope.  My body was in complete exhaustion where getting up to eat was impossible.  He went out and got us dinner and eventually I could move enough to go to bed to sleep and start all over again.  Work, exhaustion, eat, sleep.  Next day again. Then I remembered that this used to be my whole life…now it was one or two days a week.  A doctor visit revealed, my thyroid is misbehaving.  2017 kicks off with medical test.  The hard thing about PTSD I don’t know how much is all in my head and how much is my body falling apart.  I’m blessed with both.  Strangely, I feel a bit relieved to know that health problems are causing a good portion of my depression and other symptoms.  PTSD is still there too.  Confusing the mix.  Some times it is hard to be me.  Other times I feel so fortunate to learn so much about living, relationships and opportunities to change.  A firm decision….I will learn to thrive.  I am thriving.  Each year I take more steps to continue my journey.  One year is a mere snap shot of what I am striving to achieve.

 

24Jan 011

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