This week I am struggling with a deep bout of depression. I know the source. My mother stomped on a hot button that was buried since high school. A button that I only vaguely alluded to when I was in 10 years of counseling. Depression holds down the volcanic rage. Yes, depression is a tool I use but at what cost? One is the cost of the food I buy to help me feel better but I don’t cook because I don’t feel better…throwing away food that goes bad is costly. Cost of eating out because I am too freaking tired to cook dinner. Cost of buying things that I already own because I put them some where and I am too tired and depressed to look for them. Cost of missed work because I am not fighting off illness. Cost of medical bills from not caring for myself or poor eating habits. Cost of counseling is steep. Cost of overweight from over eating or eating poor diet searching for that brief feeling of satisfaction that is an illusion. Depression is a tool with a steep costs. Volcanic rage is more costly. Weird as this may seem, I would rather bear the cost of depression then the results of out of control rage. Working on processing the ancient hurt. Realizing my growth when I was a teenager was stunted by the malicious behavior of my mother choosing to manipulate me. Apparently I have a long ways to go with the processing to help me work through the anger and not allow my depression to bury it again. Rage withers and dies with honest inspection and accepting the emotions that came before hurt, fear or frustration. For me all three emotions were present at the initial events.
Hidden cost include the damage to relationships and passing on the tension and sadness to my children. My daughter shared this….it touched me deeply.