I ponder and wonder about things that happen in life.  I carried with me a terrible burden that my mother threatened suicide when I was a teenager because I wasn’t doing enough to help her.  Yet she resented everything I did to help her.  I carried this terrible secret and burden for years.  Last night that burden was lifted.  My mother stated quite clearly and with full recognition that she uses the suicide threat as away to manipulate.  With such contempt in her voice that I would possibly think she would actually harm herself was staggering for me.  She basically told me that she used emotional abuse with knowledge and forethought.  She meant to hurt me emotionally to get her way.  She really truly did this on purpose.  I’m still trying to wrap my mind around the enormity of her vicious pursuit of her own will.  My DH pointed out last night that this behavior is why she is being kept at a care center for mentally impaired patients.  Her vicious verbal and emotional attacks are keeping her exactly where she doesn’t want to be.  She really does use emotional abuse with malice and forethought.  Yes, I am rewriting it over and over again to try to grasp that what I recognized as a teenager was the truth.  I knew then but was berated for being unloving and not understanding her fears and needs.  I knew then, I know now with her own words and contempt that she did what she did then on purpose.  She is aware that she is using emotional abuse now to hopefully get what she wants….beyond that her will is the only answer she will accept.  Period.  Her contempt for me was dripping in every word.  Huh…am I going to continue to let my abuser define me?