Of the same problem….Trust.
14. “I avoid asking help from anyone because I don’t trust anyone. I believe if someone offers me a hand, there will always be something they [want to] ask in return. I have friends but I don’t have a best friend. I keep my distance from people. Automatically, my wall blocks anyone.”
15. “[I have] attachment issues, trust issues [and am] paranoid that everyone will leave me. A lot of this is part of my BPD. My sudden divorce also contributed to these behaviors.”
16. “I’m overly shy around people and struggle [with] having a voice. [I believe] no one wants to hear anything I have to say.”
I don’t trust someone to simply offer help without expecting something big in return. Attachment issues are trust issues also. I am shy around people I don’t trust…..see how things start to pile up all around the issue of trust. The fascinating thing for me was when I was in counseling and my therapist pointed out the root of my trust issue was I didn’t trust myself to recognize the difference between a nice person and an abuser hiding behind a nice mask. The nice masked abuser felt more comfortable because that is what I am used to being around. I needed to learn for a while that if I was comfortable around a person they were most likely abusive. This took quite a bit of work to get my mind wrapped around the concept that I felt more comfortable around abuser than genuinely nice people. So instead of trying to teach me to trust people, my counselor taught me to recognize abusers and how to put up boundaries. Boundaries discourage abusers but other healthy people have boundaries too and respect my boundaries. Who knew that trust had to do with believing I was worth protecting and putting up boundaries? Took me months and months and still working on setting healthy boundaries, protecting my boundaries, and believing I am worthy of protection. This part is very big. The magic bean that finally helped me see how this worked is abusers do not like to be around people that tell them NO. The abusers want the power. My NO takes back my power. Yes, I ended up with new friends. Fortunately some of my friends and family changed together and set up healthier relationships. Relationships built on respect, trust, helping each other, mutual goals and admiration for each other. My counselor opened up a whole new World and I like it.
These are the books on Boundaries that my counselors suggested:
Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend
This book is based on the Bible with many scripture references. I prefer this approach. It also started with the very basics such as the first boundary being our skin.
Boundaries and Relationships: Knowing, Protecting and Enjoying the Self by Charles Whitfield
My counselor recommended this book and I found it gave me a broader understanding of boundaries.