Spending Therapy or

Self-care.  Hard to sort this out when I am trying to take care of myself or am I spending money not to really help myself but to have fun spending money or am I just a muddled mess when it comes to money.

15. Spending money on things for myself, getting haircuts and pedicures, making time for important appointments.

https://healingfromcomplextraumaandptsd.wordpress.com/2017/07/16/25-obvious-non-obvious-self-care-issues-complex-trauma-survivors-struggle-with-lilly-hope-lucario/

Judy wrote her point of view here:  https://theprojectbyjudy.wordpress.com/2017/11/29/self-care-15-of-25/

Money and me are like oil and water, we just don’t mix.  It gets complicated when I buy something for myself then see a need for someone else I feel selfish for spending on myself.  I have a room full of stuff I bought for myself but then don’t use it because I’m too tired or feel guilty for buying something for myself.  For me the root of the money issue is am I worth investing for the things I need and help me feel good?  Criticism over not getting a pedicure I feel guilty for trying to explain how hard it is for me to have  stranger touch my feet especially when they try to massage my leg.  I will purposely were tight pants that they can’t touch me very much above my ankles.  This is more then spending money on what I need.   It is am I worthy?  Did I earn it?  Do I deserve to have things I need or want?  Can I stand the other person touching me.  It was a mega big deal for me to spend a whole lot of money on a camera years ago.  Now I barely use it.  I feel guilty for having this wonderful camera and not taking time to go out and take the pictures I enjoy.

Medical appointments aren’t just caring for myself but ending up in a head to head battle with doctors that won’t listen to me any way so what’s the point?  Last year, I found out the reason I choke on my food is not because of a hiatal hernia, I had a food allergy but didn’t know it because I was told it was a hernia causing the problem.  When I found out a year ago, the doctor was going to put me on this expensive medication so I could swallow.  How about finding out what I am allergic to and quit eating it? Mind you, I’ve landed in the hospital 4 times in the last 20 years and this is the first time any of the doctors mentioned an allergy.  By trial and error, I found out, I am really allergic to soy.  It was in about 50% of the things I ate.  I am changing my diet and yes I pay $5 for a loaf of bread that is soy free.

I tried haircuts and as my 7 year old son described it, “I had brown cotton all over my head.”  The last perm I had the chemicals were left too long on some of my hair and it was burnt to my scalp.  More than a little creepy knowing that something I was doing on purpose could do so much damage.  I don’t enjoy having someone mess with my hair.  My niece does a wonderful job but she lives a 12 hour drive away.  I don’t get up there for appointments very often.  Again it is more than spending money on self care it is trusting the person I am paying that they will take care of me.

For me, this is one of the symptoms but is layered with so many side issues and back stories and guilt and oh bother.  This is one that is very hard for me on so many levels.  I think I could write a month of posts on this one subject ad nauseum.  Now that I review the situation, I am buying the things I want and need.  I am going to doctor appointments and I found some doctors I trust.  I am buying the food I need that is soy free.  I did give away food that I had in the cupboard that had soy in it.  Now that I think about it, I actually am spending money on my self care and things I want.  Hmmm, who knew, I’m doing better than I thought.

 

Sometimes my hair behaves.

 

 

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