I belong to two CPTSD Facebook groups.  Information is shared, encouragement given, and is a fairly safe place to share.  When someone mentions a video or mentor they like, I look them up.  Find out what they believe is helpful.  I found many things that help me cope and feel like I am thriving.  This blog is educational and not everyone will respond or find the things helpful that work for me.  Imagine that – we are not one size fits all.  Recently one of the members mentioned a Self-hate video by Teal Swan.  This is the link I found uploaded by Teal…..  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uvhhubvTX1o

This video proposes the concept that Self-hate is a coping mechanism for a child that is raised in a shame based family.  Many of her descriptions are eerily familiar.  I think I will be watching more of her videos because what she is saying hits a powerful cord in me.  I will be interested in hearing what any of you think about her point of view.

One of the articles that attracted me to Flylady is her insistence that FLY stands for Finally Loving Yourself.  http://www.flylady.net/d/br/2016/08/23/godly-perspective-on-loving-yourself/ Flylady uses the same New Testament scripture as I do as to why I need to love myself.

I knew it was important to love myself but I struggled with knowing how to go about doing that.  Teal Swan’s video is giving me a different view of why loving myself is so difficult.  If, as the video mentions, I internalized my parents criticism in attempt to be lovable to them, then perhaps the reason the lingering self-hate is a coping mechanism is I need to give up all hope of ‘earning’ my parents love.  I thought I had….but if I still hate who I am, is it not because I am looking at myself through the faulty perspective of who I am was unacceptable to my parents.  Back around again to the point the my counselor drilled me on constantly, accept myself where I am right now.  Doesn’t mean I have to stay there but I desperately need to accept and love myself just the way I am.  I no longer need or even want my parents approval.  Conversations with my mother assured me it is not possible.  Her black and white thinking is if I am good she is bad therefor, I must be bad so she can be good.  It is her twisted thinking and not me at all.  I am going to watch a few more of Teal Swan’s videos she takes a little different approach on the challenges of self love and why self-hatred is a detrimental coping mechanism.

Reconstruction in progress