10 rounds with PTSD

Spent the last 10 days wrestling with what shot my PTSD into over drive.  Sleepless nights, anxiety, isolation, fear, raging anger, too sick to exercise, stuffing emotions with food.  Finally figured it out, I am freaking mad over having to wear a mask.  I stay away from people.  I never applied for a job that would require me to wear a mask.  I had to work hard at focusing on what I did for wood working so I could tolerated wearing a mask.  Sawdust does terrible things to the nose and lungs.  The mandatory mask wearing totally freaked me out.  Finding out I have to wear a mask when I go back to work in August.  I am not doing well.  No, I don’t want anyone to get sick however, my research in to making the masks taught me they are almost useless and only worn to give other people peace of mind.  The particles are so small they can ride on odors.  If you can smell odors the virus is through.  I lived most of my life jumping through twisted loops to satisfy someone else’s need to stoke their fear.  I spent my childhood living a fear based life; IT DOES NOT END WELL – EVER.  Yes I am shouting, screaming, furious that the whole world is plunged into this fear based living with shaming anyone that dares to go against the fear of the day.  I am livid. Their demands will go up and up, by wearing masks we gave up the right to breath freely.  If you don’t feel like you have the right to breathe, why bother with any other right.  Protesters can gather by the 1000s but not a church.  People can say what ever they want as long as you “don’t offend anyone” or you’ll be deleted.  6 months ago, if I wore a mask because of compromised health I would be told I was over reacting and treated like a criminal.  Now, if I don’t wear a mask I am accused of trying to murder people and treated like a criminal.  I swore after counseling I would never be ruled by fear again.  Great.  I finally came to a decision.  I am choosing to wear a mask to keep strongly opinionated people from hurting me in public. I am choosing to keep myself safe from the insanity that is happening.  I know full well that the way masks are used is useless from keeping me safe from diseases, mostly I stay home.  Yes, I am making my own mask, yet I feel like I am suffocating.  Not a happy time for me.  Thankful to friends that post funny and wonderful pictures online.  Reminds me there are people in the world that think beautiful thoughts and like to share them.  I made a choice, no one is making me do anything.  I may not be happy about it but it is still my choice.  

2 thoughts on “10 rounds with PTSD

  1. It is interesting when we can at least find what it is that is triggering us. I hate it when I feel so helpless, and the stuffing my face stuff. I can totally appreciate all you have described. With the exception of the feeling of suffocating in wearing a mask. We do not have to wear masks here in Australia. Unless you are immune suppressed, or wish too. Thank You for sharing.

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