Knocked down again and again and again. Discouraged and little and afraid. A child so small so hurt so tired.
One of the counseling sessions I had years ago, we discussed my dissociation. My counselor explained that everyone does it to a degree. http://www.mentalhealthamerica.net/conditions/dissociation-and-dissociative-disorders He went on to say that with children, psychologist don’t understand why children will dissociate so completely and not reconnect with themselves or other people. I thought about my own childhood and came up with my own answer. By my way of thinking, an adult will recognize that a hardship is temporary and will go away. However, a child will get hurt one day, then the next day, and then the next day. Repeat this day, after day, after day, why would a child believe it will end? Abuse can become ‘normal’ to a child. Dissociation allows a child to hide from the abuse, even as it happens. As the abuse continues, dissociation becomes a habit then a way of living. Dissociation is considered a symptom of PTSD. For me, it was the ultimate coping tool. Dangerous but effective. I knew how to survive but didn’t know how to live. Reconnecting emotions and events became an ongoing struggle for me. Part of counseling is a reclamation of past events belonging to me. I want to deny their existence. I don’t want them to be a part of me. They made me who I am today. I refuse to let my past control me. A trigger hits, I scramble to recover. I am tempted to slip back into the numbing state of dissociation. My battle is with myself as much as it is with an external enemy. When my children were still small I was given a cassette tape of a speech by Dr. Murray Banks. He helped me to understand that dissociation can be so complete that a person can no longer respond to the outside world. I found a link to his speech. Warning Google does not considered this a safe site. I ignored Google because I wanted to post the link. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VyOl0-qbDSU This is only part of his speech, the other links will be available on the right hand side. Part 2 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1SOExZWn2p4
I memorized most of his speech I listened to it so many times.
The Better Man Projects is one of the blogs that encourages me to keep going.