Knocked down

Knocked down again and again and again. Discouraged and little and afraid.  A child so small so hurt so tired.

One of the counseling sessions I had years ago, we discussed my dissociation.  My counselor explained that everyone does it to a degree.  He went on to say that with children, psychologist don’t understand why children will dissociate so completely and not reconnect with themselves or other people.  I thought about my own childhood and came up with my own answer.  By my way of thinking, an adult will recognize that a hardship is temporary and will go away.  However, a child will get hurt one day, then the next day, and then the next day.  Repeat this day, after day, after day, why would a child believe it will end?  Abuse can become ‘normal’ to a child.  Dissociation allows a child to hide from the abuse, even as it happens.  As the abuse continues, dissociation becomes a habit then a way of living.  Dissociation is considered a symptom of PTSD.  For me, it was the ultimate coping tool.  Dangerous but effective.  I knew how to survive but didn’t know how to live.  Reconnecting emotions and events became an ongoing struggle for me.  Part of counseling is a reclamation of past events belonging to me.  I want to deny their existence. I don’t want them to be a part of me.  They made me who I am today.  I refuse to let my past control me.  A trigger hits, I scramble to recover.  I am tempted to slip back into the numbing state of dissociation.  My battle is with myself as much as it is with an external enemy.  When my children were still small I was given a cassette tape of a speech by Dr. Murray Banks.  He helped me to understand that dissociation can be so complete that a person can no longer respond to the outside world. I found a link to his speech.  Warning Google does not considered this a safe site.  I ignored Google because I wanted to post the link. This is only part of his speech, the other links will be available on the right hand side. Part 2

I memorized most of his speech I listened to it so many times.

The Better Man Projects is one of the blogs that encourages me to keep going.


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