Recently I read several Facebook pages that are posting things to encourage those that have PTSD. I found many of the post to be a daily boost of encouragement. But I also saw a trend that bothers me. People stated how they hated their memories, hated PTSD, hate what this does to them then complain that no one accepts them. How can I expect other people to accept me if I don’t accept myself? My memories were vague shadows for many years. Nightmares that disturbed my sleeping to the point that I slept less than 4 hours a night for months at a time until I collapsed slept for a day then go again. It is very hard on my body. Counseling helped me to bring those vague shadows into sharper focus. The memories I forgot were some of the worst. I don’t seem to be able to forget them again. Raging in my night I reduce my sleeping hours to reduce the nightmares, it works at a terrible price. I also have forgotten nightmares that when I reflect on what I remember now, it is God’s gift to me that those memories are shrouded in darkness. A kindness for those moments in time best not remembered. I now have sufficient memories that my behavior makes sense. My extreme reactions fit into a macabre past I am learning to accept. As I accept myself, it no longer matters if anyone else accepts me. Now, I am working on creating new memories. Memories that lighten my dreams instead of reinforcing my nightmares. The battle of light and dark battles in my soul. They say forget my past, how can I, when I am reminded every night. Sleep is a beautiful thing….may you have many hours of blissful sleep.
One thought on “Memories”
I am thankful that I don’t dream, but the time between attempting to fall asleep and actually falling asleep is the worst. The anxiety just rages and sometimes sleep won’t come.
I wish you restful sleep too.