Inner Battles….

Rarely show outside scars.     Trigger Alert articles may be triggering for some readers. 

Two articles came to my attention today.  One comes from Lilly Hope Lucario sharing how she felt at the beginning of her journey of healing.

Her description so vividly described how I felt so often at the beginning of my healing process.  Her words brought up haunting thoughts from my past.  Before counseling, I had no idea why I felt so terrible.  I had no outside scars indicating any inward pain.  I am thankful I was led to an amazing counselor that had years of experience with trauma survivors, many of them their childhood was their trauma, like me.  My counselor understood so much that I struggled to say.  I needed to accept what happened to me and accept that I needed to heal.  This is one of the poems I wrote early in my counseling.

Pondering over Lilly’s article I came across another one.  When sick people don’t look sick enough

If I got a dollar for all the times people told me I didn’t look sick, I would be a millionaire.  There is some concept that people have to ‘look sick’ to be sick.  I had one person tell me I wasn’t hurt that bad since I didn’t cry when I talked about my pain.  I was livid.  This in’duh’vidual could not comprehend a pain beyond tears.  A pain so powerful and wrenching that tears are not adequate to express the depth of my distress.  I don’t share what I experienced openly because so few people can comprehend what one person will do to another.  It is too hard to explain and even then some people can’t comprehend what I am talking about.

This is a side rant….some people are trying to say that PTSD/CPTSD is not an illness.  BS  Anything that makes me feel this ill at ease is an illness or disease.   Yes it is an emotional reaction.  Yes it is in my head.  That is where my brain is.  There is another group of people that are lamenting that PTSD is the worse that can happen to anyone.  The worse already happened, my mind, spirit and body are reacting to what happened.  I am slowly accepting that my PTSD/CPTSD helped me to survive unbearable hurt.  I was taught new ways to cope by my counselor.  I am learning more techniques for managing my life.  I am becoming stronger.  I am no longer in the deep hell hole that I was in when I began counseling.  My life is improving.  I am learning to thrive.  But some days, I am still fighting an inner battles that rarely show outside scars.








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