I pondered on one of the oddities of living a life filled with fear. My counselor called it living a fear based life. What stunned him was my reaction when we were discussing death. As our discussion continued he was puzzled by some of my responses. He finally stated, “You are not afraid of dying.” The one fear he thought would be at the top of my list didn’t exist for me. I shrugged my shoulder and replied, “They can only kill me once.” A child, or perhaps any person, threatened with dying often enough will eventually reply, “Bring it on.” I admired an old pioneer living over a hundred fifty years ago. A mob threatened to shoot him for his religion. His epic reply, “Shoot and be damned.” Like this long ago pioneer, I lost my fear of dying. I went on to explain to my counselor that for me living was much scarier. Thinking about this mixed up situation I wondered if perhaps this is part of the reason that suicide is so alarmingly high for PTSD survivors. The thought of living is so much scarier than the thought of dying. I am thankful to my counselor that did teach me I have a lot to live for and it is not as scary as I thought it would be. He also taught me I was tougher than I look. I am deeply saddened by the statics showing that many are giving up. Living is hard, scary, and sometimes overwhelming. I testify that living is worth it. I am so much more than I ever dreamed I could be. If you are reading this and contemplating ending your life. Please don’t. Get help. Talk to a friend. Call 911 and ask for the suicide team. You’ve already survived horrific events. One more day, 5 more minutes, whichever you can do to live that much longer. Answers sometimes do take much longer than you ever imagined. But answer do come.
Links to suicide prevention information https://ptsd-acceptingcopingthriving.com/suicide/slap-dirt/
PTSD sometimes feels like a bottomless pit.