Endings and beginnings

One month ends and another begins…it is the last month of the year so it is the beginning of the end.  One of the toughest things about PTSD is fearing change.  PTSD is doable with routines.  Routines for everything.  The slightest shuffle or slightest bump in my schedule can send me for a tail spin.  I need to prepare for changes.  Change happens constantly but I still need to prepare.  One month from now will be New Year’s Eve.  Wrapping up 2016 and evaluating my progress.  I spend weeks thinking about this.  It is too easy for me to get lost on a sea of days and routines not willing to think about where I am going.  Drifting along is easier but it means I am allowing others to make my life decisions.  I can’t do that.  I need to pay attention as to where I am going and who I am with.  One of the things I learned on this journey is sometimes I need to burn my bridges so I am not tempted to go back.  The difficulty with long term abuse is a person gets used to it and it ‘feels’ normal.  This past year I ended up in a place I never thought I would be, the substitute teacher.  It was amazing and overwhelming.  Until this past couple of weeks I blamed all my exhaustion on this twist in events, I recently learned that an inactive thyroid can still wreck havoc.  A few months ago my mother broke her hip.  I felt sorry for her and visited her frequently in the hospital….not a good plan.  I am starting to list the highs and lows of the year.  People preach positivety but only looking at good things allows dark habits to slip under the radar.  Only looking at dark stuff and I miss the bright sunrises.  Ramblings and random thoughts are colliding into a mishmash mixed up mess.  Over all, this was a difficult year.  Any else notice beside me that I am skipping straight to the New Year.  I love Christmas but so much seems to center on this one day that has nothing to do with importance of the day.  Scrambled thoughts and shuffling priorities take time to sort out.  For some people it is already December 1.  Look out here I come.

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