sphincter muscles. Yup. All week I worked on a list of vocabulary words for school. One was sphincter muscle. The explanation was long and almost as confusing. I had a 3rd column that gave a short more direct answer. This morning I stared at the word then burst out laughing. I knew I couldn’t use the explanation but I found it almost hysterically funny. A sphincter muscles shuts up an a&&hole. I finally settled with holds the poop in which is an issue with toddlers. But the edge of hysteria in the laughter told me faster than anything I know that I am at break point. One of the difficult things about dissociation is I tend to hide my own emotions from myself. I push myself to exhaustion and beyond so I can sleep without nightmares. Every so often I push too far. Teachers absent at school, mother in the hospital again, and plans for a big trip coming up are pushing me. I want to go on the trip but I know how stressful it will be. I want things to go smoothly at school but I know students live by the rule if the cats away the mice will play. I know if I sleep more, nightmares will come. Not perhaps not maybe, guaranteed. It sucks. Presidents Day I didn’t get out of my pajamas. I worked out, mopped the floor and cleaned but I didn’t leave the house except to step outside briefly. Being out of touch with myself makes it more difficult to care for myself. If I don’t know what I need, how can I meet those needs? I can be my own worse enemy by ignoring or shutting down feelings about what I need. But sometimes I need a sphincter muscle to shut up some a&&hole.