Need more

sphincter muscles.  Yup.  All week I worked on a list of vocabulary words for school.  One was sphincter muscle.  The explanation was long and almost as confusing.  I had a 3rd column that gave a short more direct answer.  This morning I stared at the word then burst out laughing.  I knew I couldn’t use the explanation but I found it almost hysterically funny.  A sphincter muscles shuts up an a&&hole.  I finally settled with holds the poop in which is an issue with toddlers.  But the edge of hysteria in the laughter told me faster than anything I know that I am at break point.  One of the difficult things about dissociation is I tend to hide my own emotions from myself.  I push myself to exhaustion and beyond so I can sleep without nightmares.  Every so often I push too far.  Teachers absent at school, mother in the hospital again, and plans for a big trip coming up are pushing me.  I want to go on the trip but I know how stressful it will be.  I want things to go smoothly at school but I know students live by the rule if the cats away the mice will play.  I know if I sleep more, nightmares will come.  Not perhaps not maybe, guaranteed.  It sucks.  Presidents Day I didn’t get out of my pajamas.  I worked out, mopped the floor and cleaned but I didn’t leave the house except to step outside briefly.  Being out of touch with myself makes it more difficult to care for myself.  If I don’t know what I need, how can I meet those needs?  I can be my own worse enemy by ignoring or shutting down feelings about what I need.  But sometimes I need a sphincter muscle to shut up some a&&hole.

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