Collapse

I push my body and push my body until I collapse.  I put up with this since I was 15 years old.  I am going a long, then bam my entire system shuts down.  Happened in the car today and yes I was driving.  Thank my overworked guardian angel, I didn’t hit anything or anyone.  I stayed home the rest of the evening.  I may rage against my body but when my body is done, it is done.  I give in gracefully or have near misses like I did today.  My body collapsing is when I first went to the doctor.  I wanted to know what was wrong with me.  45 years later…..still no clue.  I don’t know if this collapsing is part of PTSD or just a special trick added to my body menu.  Showed up in my grandson so it seems to be an inherited glitch.  I get tired of going to doctors that poke, prod, and mutter stuff I don’t understand and when I look it up makes no sense to what I am feeling or going through.  I’m not sure if they aren’t listening to me or if they are as stumped as I am.  More than one doctor told me it had to do with my head.  I believe it now but how does what is happening in my head connect to how my body collapses?  Hints, clues, ideas would be appreciated.  I get sooooo tired but I have trouble sleeping and staying asleep.  Insomnia is definitely a symptom of PTSD.  I also learned that just because me and another person have similar symptoms it doesn’t mean we have the same thing.  Or if we have similar diseases then the severity, affect on the body and other symptoms can be extremely different.  This is one of the frustrations of PTSD.  There are groups and classes of symptoms but the combination and severity is unique to each person.  There is no one-size-fits-all diagnosis or treatment.  The process of getting a treatment recognized as a ‘clinical’ treatment is long and arduous.  People with PTSD want help NOW, not 10 or 15 years down the road.  Some people get so desperate they try “alternative” treatments.  Here’s the confusing thing.  The alternatives work for some people.  My counselor asked me to sign a paper every year acknowledging that the collage of treatments he used with me were not considered ‘clinically approved.’  However, the process worked for me.  I made progress.  I am more functional than I ever been.  Then today hits.  I collapse.  I feel so discouraged.  I sleep.  Wake up in the middle of the night disoriented and thinking it is morning.  Try to sleep again and the misery goes on.  Sometimes my body sucks.  Then a little voice whispers, “You lived through worse.”  True.  I’ll get up again and try again tomorrow.

 

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