The last quote has two parts. Blaming myself is part 1, part 2 is the constant feeling I am not good enough. I’m not good enough parent, I’m not good enough photographer, I’m not good enough computer technician. The list goes on and on and on. I see myself as not enough.
23. “Blaming myself for everything. I have to fight the urge to beat myself up constantly. I’ve also struggled with feeling like I’m not good enough, which makes things like school, dating and applying to jobs really hard.”
The only reason I got the job I am in now was a former coworker verified that I was good at what I did. It totally froze up during the interview. Glowing reports make me skeptical. I point out my flaws and errors. Fortunately, in this job I am now in a place where people think I’m more than enough. It is an awesome place to be in. Slowly I am learning that I am enough. I am learning that some people’s expectations are so brutally high no body could meet those expectations. If someone should come close they will raise the bar. I call this type of behavior, setting them up to fail. I experienced this a lot during my childhood. It was drilled into my head that I needed to never make the same mistake twice. I often heard, “What can we do so that you never do that again?” This was a royal ‘we’. My sister came up with the perfect answer. “I’ll do it perfectly when you do it perfectly.” (Yea, Judy) My counselor spent many sessions working at getting me to see enough in a differently light. SMART* goals help me understand that my goals can be achievable. I am enough.
I like the meme I saw recently, “My value of infinite worth was set before I was born, nothing in my life will change that.” I am enough. Infinite is enough.
*SMART goals Specific, Measurable, Action oriented, Realistic, Timely