Who Am I?

*************  TRIGGER WARNING*************

 

I asked this question in high school.  I took a class called search for identity.  We read the book Daphne du Maurier The Scapegoat.     https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/18869971-the-scapegoat  Left me with more questions than answers.  I was the only person in the class that read the semester long text in two weeks.  The teacher and I had many fascinating discussions but I was no further in understanding who I was.  I could give the Sunday School answer, “I am a child of God.”  I wasn’t impressed, so was everyone else.

24. “I don’t really know who I am or what I truly think. Virtually everything I say seems to me to be a lie I’ve just fabricated for that particular situation. I have real problems trying to identify what I’m feeling.”

https://themighty.com/2017/06/childhood-emotional-abuse-adult-habits/

Over 40 years old and no idea what I wanted to do when I grew up.  In counseling, we started with rule #1 Stop lying, especially to yourself.  I was in counseling for 6 months before my counselor figured out how messed up I really was.  I didn’t feel, I wasn’t consistent, I existed.  I lost time.  I didn’t remember what I did moments before.  Childhood was missing altogether.  Whoever thinks forgetting a lousy childhood is a good idea doesn’t have to live with triggers that have no apparent cause.  My World was out of control; a bus with no driver careening down the freeway of existence, not a clue where I was going.  My bus stopped in counseling.  Surveying the damage came first.  Then I needed to accept that I functioned in a way totally unlike any one I knew.  I functioned as 5 separate people in one body.  Not a good plan.  I was NOT born this way.  I was made.  Brutally emotionally ripped to shreds. I believe evil exists because I lived through it.  Others did not….death count that I know of 3 murders, 7 suicides.  My other blogs deals with living and becoming who I am today.  http://weareone-ruth.blogspot.com/  I needed to work a long time to sort out who I am and to become one I.   I still tend to drift a bit but I know who I am. I know my rights as a human being. I learned about boundaries that define who I am and I can keep others out if I want to.  I learned that what I do is not who I am.  I learned so much in counseling.  However, my counselor expected me to work hard.  He pushed and encouraged and badgered and awakened the giant within me.  Counseling is seriously tough stuff.  Not for the feint at heart.  My counselor’s goal was stated well before I understood the complexity of what I lived with every day.  He told me, “I don’t want you to just survive, I want you to thrive.”

I believe of all the statements that I used to live I believe this is the one I changed the most.  I feel my feelings, identify them, and look for solutions when I am uncomfortable and blissfully bask in the joy I never believed possible before counseling.

 

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One thought on “Who Am I?

  1. Pingback: 24 of 25 Things | The Project: Me by Judy

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