Self-care #7loaded with triggers for me.

7. Preparing and eating healthy meals. I know how to, I know I deserve it, I can plan it and even sometimes manage to buy the groceries, but I freeze when it comes to the “doing” which doesn’t even bring me to “the eating”.

https://healingfromcomplextraumaandptsd.wordpress.com/2017/07/16/25-obvious-non-obvious-self-care-issues-complex-trauma-survivors-struggle-with-lilly-hope-lucario/

Judy’s perspective is linked here: https://theprojectbyjudy.wordpress.com/2017/11/08/self-care-7-of-25/

Eating a proverbial minefield of triggers attached to all things nutrition.  My mother obsessed over food and dieting, reward and weapon, battleground every day.  For all her claim that ‘garbage cans are cheaper than coffins,’ I sat many an evening staring at some vegetable that I refused to eat.  Today as I stare at healthy vegetables my thoughts revolve around, “What am I being punished for that I have to eat this?”

A few years ago, I used MyFitnessPal to reduce weight with the idea this wasn’t a diet but a change in life style.  Worked until a massive upset at work and my responsibilities shot through the roof and my eating habits went down the tubes.  I stuffed and soothed emotions with food.  The reason the food is called comfort food is because it affects (possibly effects) emotions.  It works.  I gained all the weight I loss plus some more.  Six months ago, I found out that on top of all my emotional stuff I really do have a thyroid problem.  (Note, yes I am taking medication for it and tracking progress.) The double whammy of emotional and physical mess ups leaves me making poor eating choices and not enough energy to exercise it off.

So Now What?

I surprised my daughter when I finally did start talking about nutrition.  I didn’t mention it because I didn’t want to become obsessive like my mother was, however, I really do know quite a bit about nutrition.  When I was first married, I read the Joy of Cooking book, all the parts describing each type of food and how to prepare it.  I skipped the actual recipes and focused on the how to.  I am still challenged by the How-to combine delicious meals that are quick, cheap, and easy; plus soy free.  I will buy ‘healthy’ food and let it rot in the refrigerator when I grab for the crackers and desserts, not always in that order.  (From reading the Joy of cooking book I learned that some people enjoy cooking a lot more than I do.)

I know how messed up I am.  My mother threatened me with becoming fat and no one would like me from the time I was 9 years old.  She would starve me so my brothers could have seconds.  I ate 2 candy bars a day through high school.  Lunch in high school was a chocolate shake and a package of Twinkies. I had a Garfield poster stating that Diet was Die with a T at the end. Fortunately when I had children, I felt responsible for giving my children healthy meals…sadly I wasn’t much better about teaching a healthy relationship to food.  The book I used was Richard Simmons’ book Never Say Diet, it came out shortly after I was married.  https://www.amazon.com/Richard-Simmons-Never-Say-Diet-Book/dp/0446512095  I no longer need to be a good example of healthy eating so I went along with the meme:

Not only did I FALL OFF the diet wagon I DRAGGED it into the WOODS SET it on FIRE and used the insurance money to buy TWINKIES

Learning that I am extremely allergic to soy is forcing me to pay attention and revise how I eat.  Every year I plan to eat better and every year I don’t improve.  Heavy sigh.  I am open to suggestions on how to win the war with food.