Fear – Friend or Foe

I am fascinated that the last item on Pavelka’s toolbox is understanding fear.  My counselor spent many, many sessions on this one subject.  He explained to me that I lived a fear based life.  I made decisions not on what I wanted but what I was afraid would happen if I didn’t take a certain…

Field spells

I learned a new term today.  I follow Awareness of childhood sexual abuse on Facebook.  Today she shared this term used years ago, Field spells.  Now that I know what they are called, I’ve done this.  I have gone out to an old abandoned field and cried and prayed and poured out my broken heart. …

Bleeding

This may be highly triggering for some people.  Proceed with caution. I wrote this early in my counseling. I was attempting to get across to my counselor the struggles I was having with emotional distress. I’m bleeding I go to my parents – I’m bleeding. Oh honey I’m sorry to hear that, here’s a little…

Guilt vs Guilt

Guilt is supposed to happen.  Very young children feel guilt.  I notice my dog seems to feel guilt as she slinks into a room she knows she is not allowed to go. Guilt dictionary meaning http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/guilt noun 1. the fact or state of having committed an offense, crime, violation, or wrong, especially against moral or penal…

Emotions or not

Emotions are often wished a way… I wish I wasn’t sad. I wish I wasn’t angry. I wish I could control my emotions. Sadly, some wishes are fulfilled until no emotions are felt any more.  They have a psychology word for it dissociation. It is extremely unhealthy.  It is grey and nothing. I fenced myself…

Emotional Spike

Happy Holidays Merry Christmas Happy New Year Happy Merry Happy merry happy miserable……….. Tis’ the season of unreasonable expectations, feelings of loss, grieving for those that are no longer around, wishing Heavenly loved ones could be here and recognizing that the tears on my face are not tears of joy but instead deep feelings of…

Authenticity

PTSD is brutal.  Severe dissociation is an elaborate hiding game from yourself.  The most difficult challenge is to choose authenticity in a world that wants you to “Don’t worry, be happy.”  Feeling what you feel when others tell you to ‘fake it until you make it’ is a difficult challenge.  Sometimes I prefer to be home…