It could always be worse

I’ve heard it over and over and over.  The cancer could have been worse, the nightmares could have been worse, my childhood could have been worse.  That’s true.  Here are a few things I do to myself that make things worse.

Self-neglect.  I’m home writing this post because I neglected my health and now I am sick.  Sucks to be me.  But self-neglect is often a part of PTSD.  Not doing the things I know work.  Not eating properly when I have good food in the house.  Not sleeping.  Not using the techniques that I know work.  The ways I self-neglect vary depending on my mood.

Guilt Trip. If self-neglect isn’t lousy enough I can always send myself on a guilt trip.  Training started young.  The pedophile told me if I had been good awful things wouldn’t happen to me.  Since terrible things were happening it was my fault.  Not hard to convince a child that it is their fault.  Sadder still grow up to an adult conditioned to accept blame.  Even when I have nothing to do with a situation, I take responsibility if I knew about it.

Survivor’s Guilt.  Why did I survive and not _________?  For me that blank could be refilled at least 7 times.  After 9/11 collapse of the 2 towers, many survivors questioned, “Why did I survive and not the person next to me?” Some days the pain is excruciating.  Then I work 10 times harder…hoping to feel like I deserved to live.

Yes, it can always be worse if you throw your paddle into Shit Creek.



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