Self-care is not selfish. Hard to believe this or implement it if as a child you are told that getting enough to eat is being selfish. I was told I had to go hungry so my brother could have seconds. Sad thing, food would spoil in the refrigerator because it wasn’t eaten fast enough. As a child, I blamed myself for wanting more to eat. I was blamed for being too big and wanting too much. Entering high school, I was 4’11” and weighed 90 lbs. I didn’t understand the distortions I lived in. I didn’t understand that how I was treated was about control not about what I needed. I didn’t understand that pitting children against each other kept us divided and easier to control. I didn’t understand that getting what you need is not selfish. As an adult, why don’t I just get over it? The training gained as a child is extremely difficult to overcome. It became part of my value system. Part of my counseling was to rip out all this corrupted and distorted foundation and lay down a new belief system. It is a work in progress.
#24 Doing things for myself (resting, watching a movie, a massage) without feeling selfish and guilty.
Judy’s perspective is shared here: https://theprojectbyjudy.wordpress.com/2017/12/19/self-care-24-of-25/
After ripping out my foundation and almost everything I believed about the World I lived in, my counselor started with human rights. He gave me a sample list then I was to write my own from that list.
This took many sessions to work out and refine to ones that I believed were true. However, intellectually holding a belief and internalizing that belief are not the same thing. I was doing great for awhile then events occurred and I fell back into the same poor habits of self neglect and guilt for caring for myself. Recently someone shared a bunch of memes about guilt trips. They were supposed to be fun. I didn’t laugh. I felt chilled to my bone. I was falling back into those guilt trips. I want to come with new ones,”You don’t have to take every guilt trip you are offered,” “Guilt trips are not free rides,” “Friends don’t send friends on guilt trips,” and a few others are coming to mind. I’m back at the drawing board working out what self-care looks like. I know what it is not, self-care is not selfish.
2 thoughts on “Not Selfish”
I’m sorry they caused you pain.