Hardest thing for me to accept about myself is my brain lies to me. What I believe is the truth isn’t always true. Another blogger shared her experience with her brain lying to her. Her experience of contemplating suicide may be triggering for some people. However, if suicide is starting to look reasonable, please, seek help and get a different perspective.
As long as I remember I struggled with suicidal thoughts. I tried talking to people but I was shut down with words like “you don’t mean it”, “don’t be ridiculous”, “well if you had enough faith”, until I stopped seeking help. I shut up and closed off that part of myself. Sad thing about shutting part of yourself out it doesn’t go away. In the dark, it gathers strength and starts distorting all thoughts, like having an underground polluted river in my soul. I lived for my husband and my children. Then over the years my husband grew distant and my children grew up. My world was falling apart and the darkness in my mind was getting the upper hand. By the time I sought counseling, I was in a very precarious position. I didn’t remember my past…my thoughts made no sense…when I tried to talk to my husband conversations fell apart quickly. I felt isolated. We started marriage counseling. I appreciated my husband standing with me through this difficult time. It was hard. Counseling began. Hooooboy.. remembering was so difficult. My counselor did what every good counselor does he helped me probe my memories. He helped me unlock that dark part. It was so tough. My abuser convinced me that I didn’t deserve to live. I was not worth breathing or eating food. He taught me terrible lies and I believed my abuser. My counselor took each twisted lie and helped me unravel the lies taught to me. I am thankful I didn’t act on the lies but held on to the hope that I deserved to live. Thoughts still jump in from time to time but I recognize them for the lies they are. The lies may enter but I don’t need to entertain them.