Wanting to walk away

I spent 10 years in counseling.  I lived with PTSD for over 50 years.  This past year, I had so much going on in my life I wanted to walk away from everything to do with PTSD.  I considered just letting all this go and focus on being a grandma, wife, and teacher’s aid.  Delving into this work is triggering, heartbreaking and discouraging.  I was asked to share my thoughts in church about called and chosen.  I talked about the folks in the scriptures that were chosen by God and how they approached their challenges.  One of the stories I shared was Jonah and the whale/big fish.  Jonah made a run for it.  During a terrible storm at sea the sailors cast lots as to who’s fault it was.  The lot fell on Jonah.  He admitted he was trying to run away from what the Lord asked him to do.  The sailors fearing for their lives cast Jonah into the sea.  A big fish swallowed up Jonah and he waited with nothing to do but think.  I deeply understand Jonah’s story.  As I thought about my desire to quit everything PTSD I realized, I was on the run.  I wanted to go the opposite direction.  I made excuses, I’m just one person, a damaged little old lady that screwed up a lot in my life time.  Other people are writing.  Why me?  I felt sad and broken and tired.  I miss counseling.  I miss sharing this awful burden called PTSD.  I miss knowing that someone with more understanding and experience then me was coaching me through the steps of living.  I am not going to quit.  I picked up one of the workbooks I bought about PTSD.  I started reading.  I followed the link to a massive web page on PTSD.  Last updated 2012.  I am just a small voice.  Some days I feel overwhelmingly tired by just maintaining living.  Thriving seems so far away some days.  Other days, I recognize I am living a miracle.  I beat the odds.  I am doing more with my life than I ever dreamed possible.  I wonder what Jonah felt when he was thrown up on the shore and instead of drowning in the depths of the sea? He was headed to Nineva and a far more difficult challenge.  I live in the desert.  No water no big fish.

Link to a resource page for PTSD:

http://www.giftfromwithin.org/index.html

http://www.ptsdinfo.org/

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2 thoughts on “Wanting to walk away

  1. i don’t know about the bible stuff, but your blogs are really helpful and you’re not alone. don’t ever forget your worth and the inspiration you undoubtedly give the students, your family and your readers x

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