kobayashi maru

I had to look it up because I did not remember the reference to the Star Trek movies.  This is a no win test faced by all Cadets in the Starfleet Academy.  (Yes, I watched the original Star Trek before it was a rerun.)  The meme on Facebook showed a bumper sticker, “My ship just came in, it was a Kobayashi Maru.”  It was a test of character.  Many survivors of childhood abuse feel like they have already faced their Kobayashi Maru.  Like Capt. Kirk, I cheated.  Rather than rewrite the program, I rewrote myself in a complex hide and go seek that allowed me to disappear emotionally.  Brilliant for survival in extreme situations, lousy for day to day living.  Dissociation at an extreme level allowed me to straighten out a broken arm so they could x-ray it.  The poor technician nearly fainted.  However, after wards I realized what I had done and how painful it actually was.  My complex hide and seek protected me through horrific experiences.  It is a massive buffer between me and the World.  Sadly it is also a massive buffer between me and happiness too.  I believe part of the issue of high rate of suicides is PTSD survivors are facing their Kobayashi Maru.   I remember feeling such a heavy burden on my family.  I believed it would be for the greater good for me to end my life.  My counselor pointed out I wasn’t counting all the costs of my death.  Many years I woke up, moved, felt pain all over my body, therefore I wasn’t dead and had to get up.  This wasn’t a day or two.  This want on for over 7 years.  The inner turmoil of my denied past was destroying me physically as well as emotionally.  I chose to keep going and keep struggling and keep suffering to stay alive.  For years, I believe that was all I was going to have.  Damned if you do, and damned if you don’t.  I heard that which does not kill you, makes you stronger….my version, that which does not kill you, does not kill you.  That’s ok.  Other cliches that come to mind is I lived between a rock and a hard place.  Pit and the Pendulum has nothing on the horror of living with PTSD.  My counselor guided me through to the point that I wake up looking forward to each day.  Learning to take better care of my body also helps.

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