I grew up kind of on the small size but I weighed as much as my older brother. Instead of looking into why my older brother was small I was lectured from age nine about losing weight. They didn’t compare me to other kids in my class. I was one of the smallest….but the lectures about no one would like me if I was over weight. Add to this that my mother used saving money on food as a way to get out of debt. Logical up to the point of telling me I had to go hungry so my brothers could have more to eat. If I tried to sneak food I was accused of taking food from someone else’s mouth. I didn’t understand as a child how absurdly illogical the situation was for me. Add to this craziness that I have food intolerance to foods she cooked with 3 or 4 times a week. To punish me for complaining, I would get bread and water. I love bread and water. I could eat it without pain. In a weird way she actually reinforced my complaining so I could get bread and water again. So the twist came she would fix my favorite meals and desserts when I was on bread and water. I have eating and body issues. Big time.
On to teenage years, by age 15 I was passing out at least once or twice a month. When I told, they said I was lying. When I finally passed out right in front of them, I was hauled off to the doctor. According to test, nothing was wrong with me. Around and around I went add in PTSD and thyroid problems and you have a battle of the body set for life. Cancer ( complete remission) and Brian the brain tumor that coexists with me rounds out my conclusion that my body and I are not friends. I am trying to learn to treat it better. I am eliminating soy out of my diet. I am attempting a supplement regime that is many more pills that are supposed to help. Today I skipped singing We’re off to see the Wizard with grandsons on their way to school. Maybe after all these years, me and my body are negotiating a peace treaty. I am also accepting that stretching my limits takes time, money and effort. I accept my body is messed up. I accept doctors don’t know everything. I accept that I am 100% control of what I eat now. I accept that I am learning more than I have ever known about my own health. Acceptance does not mean I have to stay the way I was, it means that my challenges are my responsibility and I accept I work a little harder to help my body function.