Permission to feel

Interesting how Lilly needs to write again about feeling all feelings including peaceful ones.  For me I needed permission to feel angry, sad, and all the ‘negative’ emotions.  Without the ‘negative’ emotions, I did not recognize feeling peace when it did come.  It got smothered along with all the other emotions.  My first counselor recognized that I needed to feel all the emotions to know the difference between them.  Peace can feel like grayed out emotion.  Peace is subtle and not easily recognized among the crashing waves of anger, neglect, frustration, fear, defeat, took me awhile that peace is the glinting beauty across the surface of Lake Rage.  I didn’t know I could feel peace along with everything else, I just didn’t recognize what it was.

https://healingfromcomplextraumaandptsd.wordpress.com/2017/07/16/25-obvious-non-obvious-self-care-issues-complex-trauma-survivors-struggle-with-lilly-hope-lucario/

23. Allowing myself to feel, not just the pain, but the peaceful times too.

Judy’s response is here:  https://theprojectbyjudy.wordpress.com/2017/12/18/self-care-23-of-25/

My other posts on emotions…..

https://ptsd-acceptingcopingthriving.com/2018/01/10/feelings-2/

https://ptsd-acceptingcopingthriving.com/2018/01/13/all-emotions/

Emotions is a reoccurring theme through out my posts.  Simply because emotion is the very essence of life and the first thing an abuser works at controlling.  Control the emotions and you control the person.  I was played like a banjo until I struggled with recognizing my own tune.  To stop my abusers to make me dance to their tune I stopped my emotions.  The day the music died……lack of emotions means lack of peace.  I couldn’t feel that either.

Recently I discovered I am now a fierce protector of my emotions.  I felt mistakenly, that someone was trying to control what I felt by controlling what I said on social media.  I complied with their wishes to not post a comment but inside my eruption was so massive, I stayed home curled up in a ball trying to sleep it off.  The week before I came to a peaceful acceptance to coming events.  I’ve known for months that our newest little granddaughter was making only a quick stop on Earth.  Her parents knew her little body had extreme complications.  Another son is a doctor that works in NICU, he knew the odds were slim to none that our little angle would live longer than an hour.  She didn’t live longer than an hour.  I never realized one tiny little person could pack such an impact on so many people.  I still cry.  But the week before I felt peace, knowing she chose her family and loved her mommy and daddy and wanted them and myself to feel peace of her knowing her stay was short.  Until now, I didn’t know I could feel such deep sorrow and peace at the same time.  I recognized the peace, then the sorrow came.  That deep hole of pain was flooded and filled up with peace.  I’m still working through and reconciling that I am not disassociating.  I am feeling intense pain.  However, prayers are answered I am feeling sweet comfort of peace that she is part of our family forever and now I know the name of one my guardian angels.  Her little face was so sweet.  We said hello and good bye in a single sentence.  I grieve yet I know peace.  I learned peace does not stop the grief, it simply soothes the hurting that goes with it.  I cry and feel calm all at the same time.  I am thankful my counselor spent so much time with me teaching me to feel and separate and identify each emotion. Each one has its place and no one, I mean no one, can tell me what to feel and for how long or anything else.  My emotions are mine to feel.  All of them.  I appreciate the love and peace I feel at this time of deep sorrow.

More than one of the self-care issues all rotate this core issue, I am allowed to feel what I feel.  Embrace those feelings as belonging to me.  I decide which ones can stay on the stage of my life.  My power that my abuser persuaded me that I didn’t have is the power to feel deep emotions.  Emotions are powerful.  The cruelest thing my abusers did that was in common was use my powerful emotions to control me.  I stopped my emotions to protect myself yet inflicted the greatest harm by turning my own world gray.  I now color my world with hope, peace, love, sadness, frustration, grief, sorrow, pain….for the dark emotions work as a beautiful contrast to the brighter emotions.

Without the dark, you loose the beauty of the tapestry.

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