Dissociation from my emotions is a symptom of PTSD/CPTSD. I was numb. I didn’t feel pain but I didn’t feel happiness either. I was so completely detached from my feelings that I couldn’t tell you at any given moment what I felt. I knew I had feelings….sometimes I was happy and sometimes I felt bone crushing sorrow but not usually. When my therapist first started probing what I felt about things, I would look at him puzzled and try to figure out what answer he wanted me to give. I spent a good portion of my childhood perfecting the skill of giving adults exactly what they wanted from me. They wanted me happy I could be happy. They wanted me sad I could do that too. But feeling my own feelings was down right dangerous. https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=102&v=XB401RfGMlM
One of the most surprising things I learned when I reconnected with my emotions is that grief and happiness coexists. I could mourn losses and feel happy all in the same day, sometimes simultaneously. Emotions were scary to me. They seemed to come and go with little warning or completely confusing. I think I should feel happy and I would feel terribly sad. Or I would start laughing at times that were totally inappropriate. I am thankful my counselor persisted and helped me navigate getting acquainted with my own emotions. I still find them pesky from time to time but it takes my world and colors it with hope.