All my blogs are changing in format and look not because I am choosing this but because computers changed constantly and I don’t do well with change.  Now that is a complex sentence.  I realized this week that I have not posted on any one of my 3 blogs.  No pictures No PTSD/CPTSD No self.  Each host of my pages informed there are major changes happening with how I will access and write my blogs.  I RAN for the HILLS.  So much is changing I could not cope with one more change.  Life is like that for me.  PTSD/CPTSD do not stop influencing my life because I am doing better, I am just better at seeing what is affecting me without having to ask a counselor.  My first therapist knew before I did what pitfalls I would fall in.  He let me fall then taught me how to recognize and get out on my own.  This was the story he shared with me.  What he didn’t know was knew the story well. Seeing a new application.

“I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost… I am helpless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in the same place.
But, it isn’t my fault.
It still takes me a long time to get out.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in. It’s a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault. I get out immediately.

walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

I walk down another street.”

― Portia Nelson, There’s a Hole in My Sidewalk: The Romance of Self-Discovery

I believe this poem clarifies the progress I experience with PTSD/CPTSD. (Side note: I use the two together because CPTSD wasn’t around when I got the PTSD diagnosis, I believe CPTSD is a better fit by the current definitions.)

I am working from home online most of the day.  My challenge now is to get away from the computer where I work, play and socialize.  Sadly the computer keeps a buffer between me and real people.  Not good long term in my opinion.  Also there are many things online school can’t do.  This is a picture of one of them.  Construction students building actual buildings using power saws, wood, hammers and nails.