This week I started working at work for 2 days. Most people would think, “Why is this post worthy?” First off, my contract doesn’t start until tomorrow. I was called in early. I offered to come in to help with the distribution of computers to students and they decided to take me up on my offer. This is also the first time I wore a mask for hours. What I learned is wearing a mask really annoys me, it is not the worse thing the ever happened to me, and I can’t hear anyone now. Not hearing just sucks. I did not realize how heavily I still rely on lip reading to be able to see what people are saying. The upside is it felt really good to be helping in a way that truly felt like helping. I’ve done things online but it really didn’t feel like I was doing much to help. Something that is tricky for me to negotiate is I need to help others but I also battle with people pleasing and putting others first to the detriment of myself. I finally came up with how I can tell if I am people pleasing or helping as needed. I discovered people pleasing brings out the emotions resentment, frustration, and not taking care of my own basic needs. When I am helping others I still self care, enjoy what I am doing no matter how mundane, and I come away feeling like I made a difference. I also learned that people pleasing usually involves doing something for someone that they could and should do for themselves. Something that is slowly formulating in my mind is people pleasing involves a power struggle. The person demanding help either overtly or covertly is taking some of my power. They assume I should help and a lot of other negative feelings get involved. I feel used. Hmmm. I didn’t recognize that is a key factor. I am glad this week I a was able to help and many computers are now in the hands of students that can benefit from their use. Weirdly it is because of the corona virus that this finally occurred. School administrators discussed one computer per student for years, now it finally happened.
I really missed traveling this summer. Hoodoos in Bryce Canyon.